So I am SO TOTALLY BORED AT WORK TODAY. We have, of a possible 36 massages this afternoon... Three booked! Oy! So boring!

But luckily I had a great distraction... AMY CALLED ME! It was so fun to chat, I love my bandster bff!

She also pointed out how diff I look from some of my old before pics, and since a friend posted some hilariously drunken pictures from Saturday night, i thought I'd do a before and after!

Drunken before:


Drunken During:

Ok this one's not so flattering but hilarious



And this one's kinda cute.



All in all though, I need to wear my hair down when there are pics being taken... I look kinda pin-headed when I wear it up now!

The past few days I've worked very hard at getting back to basics and following all my bandster rules. I did definitely have a few drinks last night, which my headache is proof of, but I have managed to eat in the way I was hoping too. Also, my fill has made it pretty easy - my restriction is not overly tight, but tight enough to make a significant difference.

I've been keeping it in since I got back, but my scale this morning showed a glorious thing... 211! That's finally 59 freaking pounds down! Only 1lb to lose by next friday, my six month bandiversary, and only 11 more to one-derland - I can't believe that'll be my next goal reached!

I gotta get out of this oh so comfy nest of a bed, and get showered and to work... Have a great day, everyone!

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to update ya'll! I've been doing well with my re-commitment to basics - protein first and primarily, eating slow, etc. Got back to VT last night, this morning my scale says 213.4 - not a perfect number, but back in the right neighborhood for sure, and I just have to remember how excited I'd have been to have seen that number even just a month ago. I know if I continue with all these good choices, as well as working out - I went to my Phusion class this morning, that I will see results.

Hope you're all looking forward to a great weekend - alas today is my Monday!

xox

I am determined to get myself back on track with my weight loss. I am sick of fluctuating between 217 and 213 - I want to be solid with every pound I lose. To that effect, over the next few days I'm gonna push it a bit, diet wise. That means

- No drinking any liquids with calories other than milk. No alcohol, no juice, no soda.

- Focusing on protein - I know that the band is best used when we eat our protein first, and I haven't been.

- Majorly cutting back on carbs/starch - they can be small parts of my meal, but I should be eating them after veggies, which I should only be eating after protein.

- SLOWING DOWN - I have been eating too much too fast which makes me PB which makes me not know how much I've really gotten in - it's a vicious not to mention unhealthy cycle, and I need to cut it out completely.

I am feeling ready and committed to take these steps. I have 10 days until my six month bandiversary, and although it'd be wonderful to hit 210 - 60lbs down, my goal right now is at least to be steady at 212 - a weight I really should have hit a while ago. I hardly know what I weigh now it's fluctuating so much, so it makes it all a bit harder!

Hope everyone's great. Lots of love all around.

So I'm stupid and forgot my BC pills in Vermont, but figured it'd be OK, I'd know I wasn't protected and start a new pack when I got back. Well apparently my weight loss has put my ovaries into hyper gear, because I got my period AGAIN today. Even though I just had it. I know this is what happens to normal people when they miss pills, but I used to be so irregular that it wouldn't happen. I'm trying VERY hard to see this as a good thing!

Hey Ladies,

Been having a great time at home. Two huge nights of partying - lots of stories to tell. I'll keep it short for now, as I'm running late to get to my manicure. I got such amazing feedback last night though. A lot of the girls at the Stagette hadn't seen me since the engagement party, which was just around Valentine's Day. They couldn't get over the difference. One of them, Emma is such a cool girl - she's a professional stylist who works on Canada's Next Top Model and for Vogue, and she was just so sweet and blown away by the change. It made me pause to celebrate, and I've been feeling really great about myself.

I'm writing this from my family's computer and opened up photo booth and realized I have all these pics of my face from over the months, sitting in the same spot. I have no pic editing software on here, so pardon the sketchy job, but I decided to put five side-by-side to check out the difference... The first pic was taken in January, the rest were over the months and the last one was just now!

xox
ange

Hi Guys,

Writing to you just after waking up at 1:30pm. Yep. Yesterday was a big day - drove from Stowe, VT to Toronto from 9-5:30, showered, ate, went to one friend's birthday party till 12, went to another's at a bar till 3, went to her house and swam till 5... Oy. I only had 1 beer, 1 shot and 1 mixed drink over the entire course of the night, so I don't think I'm hungover, just totally wiped.

And now I have to rally - shower again, do a bit of shopping, because at 4 I have a 24 hour Stagette which should be insane -involving a Pole Dancing class, a Hummer limo, a sex toy presentation, and mani-pedis. I'm excited, if a little exhausted.

Weight wise, hard to tell because I'm on a different scale here, but on my parents' very nice (very incorrect, imho) scale It says 209. It aint true, but it's fun to see it on the scale nonetheless!

xox
your very exhausted party girl

Glamour is the only lady-mag I can handle these days... And I love them even more for featuring this image - read more about it on Jez!

Hey all,

Worked early this morning, done now, resting up and leaving early to drive to Toronto tomorrow morning. Trying to get the motivation to do a bit of a workout this afternoon, I know it'll help me sleep well tonight. I did have a bit of loss today - 213.2, which is really reassuring. I don't need to lose at a crazy rate, but like Amy's mentioned, it's really hard not to just throw in the towel when hard work doesn't produce immediate results.

xox
ange

So I think I ought to adjust my ticker, because except for hitting 213.8 on Friday, every other weigh-in... Including Tuesday, my official day, the scale has said 214.8. Which is OK. Not great. But OK. This past month I lost 5 lbs, or 1.25lbs/week. Ok, but not enough to get me to one-derland by my birthday, or goal by my bandiversary.

I am trying to figure out where I'm going wrong, because although I have a fill scheduled for next week I don't think a lack of restriction is my problem. I ate a burrito from a restaurant last night for dinner, breakfast and lunch. Clearly my portions are under control - it's my snacking that isn't. My house is a snack-filled house, and unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about that. I live in my whole family's country house, and can't really ask 18 other people to not keep ice cream and chips and all that. I need to just bring my willpower back.

On a more positive front, I did an amazing exercise class this morning called Phusion. The story is the instructor used to teach Zumba, but as a trained dancer wanted the creative freedom to make up her own routines. It is HARDCORE. I've done Zumba. I almost died during Zumba. This is harder. But it's also SO much fun. She doesn't really pause to teach the dances, just does them, and most of the participants go all the time and get to know them too. I picked them up alright - I have danced a lot in the past, and I feel confident that I'll get better as I go. I also decided that Julie, the instructor, is the person I want to do some personal training with. She is so built, a total machine and definitely seems tough, but also seems like someone I can really open to. I also like that it's not at work, even though that means paying full price. I don't like coming in to work when I don't have to... I should, classes are free and trainings cheap, but I don't wanna be here so I don't come. So I'm gonna do it! I e-mailed her today to set it all up... I won't be able to start till I am done working and in school full time, but I think if I start doing Phusion three days a week, training once a week, and get on the elliptical another day or two.. I should bust through this slowness.

The other thing that might help me soon is medication. I have diagnosed ADD, and I do find that I struggle a lot with impulsivity- Angie see juice, Angie, who never before banding drank liquid calories, wants some. There's actually a correlation between ADD and obesity in women, I'll have my mom the psychologist dig up some articles to share with you. Anyways, since I'm going back to school, I've decided to go back on meds. Somehow when I'm working I don't struggle much, but with school, I really know I need all the help I can get. A nice side-effect of most ADD meds - I'll be on either Ritalin or Concerta I'm sure, or maybe Adderal, is decreased appetite and weight loss. My psychologist says this sounds great, haha, so I just need to see my Doctor when I'm in Toronto to set it up.

With all these tools in place, hopefully I can get back to losing more like 2lbs a week than one!

Hope everyone's doing great!

xox

So what I'm giving away are not one but two american eagle jean skirts in size 18. They're pretty generously sized I think, but my body does seem to be different than most people in terms of weight to size correlations. The one I was wearing in the video is a couple of years old and has a small rip on the waistband in the back, but I think it makes it cuter. It's got a more worn denim style, where as the other one is only a few months old, and a more uniform blue denim. I'd be happy to ship them anywhere in the US or Canada... Just claim em!

I'm attempting to imbed this rather than taking all the time to upload... Lemme know if it does not work for you! SORRY ABOUT THE BOOOOBS SCREENCAP!

Didn't have the chance to celebrate 55... Cause I jumped straight from 54 to

Wehoo! I clearly lose weight maybe 10 out of 30 days a month. But I might as well enjoy these ten days!

Weight is now 213.8... Onderland seems to be fast approaching now... I can't imagine my weight starting with 20- let alone 1!!

Hey everyone,

So due to popular demand, I thought I'd write an entry about my time at Structure House. Structure House, located in Durham, North Carolina is a residential weight loss center. I was there for three weeks in summer 2004, so a lot might have changed since then, I'm not sure. My decision to go there was a tough one for me - I had to take a month off of summer camp, something staff technically weren't allowed to do and something I hadn't done in twelve years. Still, I knew what a big opportunity it was to go somewhere to focus on the problem I had just started to admit was one.

I arrived and moved into the "on-campus" apartment I had. It was really nice living situation, my own bedroom with living room with a TV, I had the internet there, etc. I was amongst the youngest people there at 18, and a lot of people would "adopt" me as a little sister or daughter even. I was quite lonely and homesick, as confronting my problems with my weight without a support system was super tough.

The weight loss program at SH is all about structure. Structure to them meant planning out all your meals in advance from their menus - I hated most of the food and would eat faux grilled cheese with low sodium ketchup at least half my meals. I ate more fruit than anyone there because I refused to eat so many of the choices and my weight loss stalled because I was only eating about half of a 1200 calorie diet. Once I found a groove, food-wise, I did end up losing a bunch - I went from 244 to 217 in three weeks. I hated it though. Sure I had some fun times - going off campus to a bar with some older girls, sneaking baked doritos, chewing sugar-free cinamon gum every moment of every day, and smoking cigarettes. And putting tobasco on everything. Those are my biggest memories of SH.

What I disliked about the program is that, to me, it was replacing one type of disordered eating with another. For anyone who wasn't fat to regulate their intake the way they wanted us to it'd be considered anorexic. Reduced-sodium ketchup, for pete's sake! I lost weight there because the food was so limited and unappealing to me, and because it was so bland and unexciting I learned to not care about what went in my mouth. When I said that in group they acted like it was a good thing... But I love food, and I'd hate to have such a vibrant fun creative side of my life just vanish like they said it should. I struggled with finding a groove there - I never got into regular individual or group therapy, didn't participate in classes except for exercise ones. After three weeks, my parents agreed to let me come home - it was just too emotionally draining to be going through so much alone.

There were some positives to my experience. The first was that I got to finally know other fat girls. We all have different backgrounds, and for me, I'm literally the only girl who weighs more than 200lbs that I know. Seriously. I can think of one girl who i took some classes with in college, and a couple of coworkers, but my social circle and the snobby Toronto world I come from just doesn't happen to include anyone else like me. I was particularly close with two older girls who taught me a lot about confidence and about sex and about a lot of things. I am still in touch with both of them - both of them, despite repeated 60 days at SH are varying degrees of overweight. I don't think the program doesn't work for everyone, but it saddens me to think that it's a program that strongly discourages WLS.

I also learned the value and effects excercise had on me. It wasn't like I never stopped working out since then, but I did get into being strong and fit, and being in an environment where my size was assumed let me break through of a self-consciousness I used to feel when working out, which is totally a non-issue to me now.

So that was my experience. If you have any questions I'd be glad to answer them...

xox

So I recorded a video blog last night but it won't upload for some reason. I need to straighten my hair and get somewhat presentable before work, so I won't be able to fix that until this evening.

Got bad news at first this morning... 216.0 but then I moved the scale more into the middle of the bathroom and it said 215.2 and it said it four times so it must be true so I'm saying it. WEHOO! Almost 55 down! Finally!

xoxo
ange

EDIT: I JUST DID IT AGAIN. 216. IDK WHAT TO THINK!!!

First and most important things first, all is well in the land of Angie's uterus. It is still, joyfully, devoid of child. I think my period likes to come late just to freak me out. That bitch.

So today's been a pretty busy day. I went to bed last night weighing 219.5. I weigh myself at night sometimes because I like torture. I woke up weighing 216.6 again, and then when I got back from driving to the border and back (needed to get my student visa for the states) I was down to 216.0. WOO. I hope that it says 215.something tomorrow...

So to do so, I decided to have a beast of a workout. Especially since I stopped at a Canadian fast-food place we love and had a tiny bit of a hot dog and poutine, cause it was early and made me stuck which was all a blessing obviously.

I did 40 mins of intervals on the eliptical, 20 mins of arms, 20 of legs (including 100 squats) and 100 crunches. I will feel dead tomorrow I am sure, but I'll also feel like at least I made a solid attempt at getting my weight down some more, and if it doesn't happen I'll know I did everything I could.

Hope everyone's having a good week! I'll post about Structure House probably tomorrow... I was thinking maybe a vlog tonight!

xoxox
ange

My period isn't here yet. I have had some issues with the pill I'm on, and I'm not concerned about it not arriving, but GRR. I cannot keep weight off with this persistent state of PMS. My weight was down to 216 even last NIGHT. Then up to 217.6 this morning. Who GAINS overnight? I can't deal! BARHROEI;DVNLKSA.

/end rant.

Happy Monday everyone, hope you all had a good weekend. Today is my Friday - my days off are tomorrow and Wednesday, and I'm really excited.

Bloat weight is off, aunt-flo's arrival is impending, so I'm back to 216.8... Same as last week's weigh-in. Which really, is fine. It's actually pretty great... Because it's .2lbs less than I can EVER remember weighing. I didn't really acknowledge or talk about my struggles with my weight at all from the age of 14 (when I broke my leg, quit weight watchers, and really started to gain) until the summer I was 18 and went to a weight-loss place in North Carolina called structure house. I came back, just about this time of year 5 years ago, weighing 217. I gained it back over the next month or two. But now I weigh less.. Crazy!

Have a great day people!
xox

Hi girls,

So working in a spa definitely has it's advantages. I have massages and facials and get my nails done pretty often, I get my eyebrows fixed for free once a week, etc. Before you hate me, remember that I work every single holiday imaginable, every weekend, etc. So this morning, to combat all the bloat before work, I booked myself a Herbal Fusion Wrap and a 25-minute massage. I've been waking up every morning with like back and ab pain from feeling so bloated, not unlike the post-op feeling, and I hoped this would help. It really did, and it also provided me with some NSVs...

1) I can wear a normal sized robe, no problem! For a while I couldn't get the normal one to even cover me up, then I could but the large sized one felt a bit more comfortable... Now the regular one is completely fine.
2) I can sit up/roll over/shimmy up and down completely easily on the massage table, no worries about flailing/falling/flashing.
3) I take up so much less space on the table, from left to right. My arms rest by my sides with plenty of room to spare. I used to find lying on my front really awkward on the massage table, and hard on my chest, now it's not!

I also wanna take this time to emphasize the value of pampering yourself and non-food based rewards like spa visits. Also, if anyone is ever nervous about getting on a massage table because of your size, DON'T BE. I wondered aloud about that once to one of best friends here, Shana, a massage therapist. I wondered if she minded working on fat people. She said not at all - first of all, they're such professionals, they see so many bodies in so many shapes and sizes. Also, she's told me that it's a lot easier for the therapist to work on a larger than average person than a smaller than average one - we're not all bony and unmuscly and hard to work on!

I truly feel like massage, especially when performed regularly, is an amazing way to connect to and appreciate and love our bodies. So if you can, find a great therapist, whether at a clinic or at a spa, and reward yourself for your victories, whether on or off the scale!

xox

Checking out post secret is one of my favorite Sunday morning rituals.

This secret is not mine, nor is it something I feel, but I thought it was an interesting one to share. Check out Post Secret for more, it's updated every Sunday.

I'm feeling much better after decompressing a bit tonight. I picked up a salad from the pizza place, ate in bed while watching the SYTYCD finale, and just got out of a hot bath. I'm just about to go back to my book - A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg, the lovely lady behind Orangette.
But before I went laptop free, I had to do a little facebooing. There I saw a very smart quote about being patient with the questions, or obstacles in life. The quote was on my own profile... I reread it, to remind myself of how I want to see and approach life.

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

My goal for the next few days is not to lose X lbs, or do this exercise or drink that much water, it is just to live, live everything. To be patient with everything unresolved in my heart, and most importantly, myself.

So I'm due to get my period on Sunday or Monday. This is important for you, semi-stranger to know, because I'm pretty sure you can chalk everything I will be complaining about to PMS. But that won't stop me from complaining.

I'm bloated as all hell. My pants, normally so loose that they fall down at inopportune moments (are there opportune moments for ones pants to fall down?) are pressing against my belly. I woke up in the middle of the night vaguely aware that my ring was hurting me.

I am an emotional wreck. I cried at work today. Twice actually. Once when a guest yelled at me, and then again when my best friend came in and asked me what was wrong. I'm fighting with my parents for no good reason. It's awful. I hate feeling like this.

I'm also kind of unhappy about work. When I started, we discussed how I'd be doing a lot of closing shifts. To me, a lot would be 3, maybe 4 out of 5 work days a week. Not five. Every day that we're busy, I close. On my own. It's SO much extra work, so much more than any other shift. And it just really pisses me off.

Oh and the best news? I've gained two lbs. I know it's just bloat and salt but to wake up this morning and see that on the scale - it just set the tone for this poopy day. Poop poop poop.

I think I'm done bitching, but expect more of this for the next few days.

xox

So my weight's not moving, but people continue to see a difference in me. It's times like these that I really encourage people to do measurements cause I'm an idiot who hasn't.

I thought I'd share a fun pic of me in my work uniform, aka my Polyester Prison. It's hideous, but even in that I can see a size difference. I'm trying to find a pic of me in it from before... Ooh found one. Granted I was having a better hair day on my after... Well here's the before shots:


How cute are my spa boys!

And now. Regardless a hideous uniform, but there's a change!

I know this. I know that almost everything in life takes time, and everything good will be worth waiting for. However, I'm just having trouble waiting for it all. I will start seeing a therapist again on the 18th, and I'm really looking forward to discussing why nothing is enough for me.

I lost .2 lbs between yesterday and today. Nothing huge, but part of the bigger picture it's solid progress. But it's making me crazy. Crazy enough that I went and worked out, and waited to eat to see if it would go down, but it didn't. Working out is great, but the way I'm framing it is kind of freaking me out.

I just want to feel alright with myself already. I do feel SO much better now than I did at 270, but I'm still not comfortable. Which is fine - I'm also not stopping any time soon. But... I think that until I find myself at a weight that I think as acceptable, I find it impossible to believe someone could truly find me attractive. It's especially a struggle because I'm starting to annoy people. My sister in law and best friends are trying to be more patient with me, but I think they're starting to think I'm fishing for compliments or something when I ask if I think that guy could genuinely like me. I just don't see it. I see how I look better in clothes. How my size XL jean jacket not only fits but zips up. But my body? Acceptable, let alone attractive? Unheard of. And I hate that. I want to be cool and empowered and love myself no matter my size. But I don't.

In good news, I've been able to not drink and to work out every day in the past few, and that makes me feel a bit better.

xox

I was reading some Aussie bandster blogs, and it had me wondering what I'd weigh in kilos right now. So I google 218.4lbs to kg and... it's 99.06 kg! Wehoo! I remember on the Biggest Loser Australia they were so so excited when they got under 100! It's kind of arbitrary for me, but fun to enjoy and celebrate!

Sorry I've been a poopy blogger. I find that as my post-band life goes on, I struggle with what to post here vs. what to just send as an individual message to a friend, just cause my life tends to take it's scandalous turns.

For those who keep up with these things, you'll know I got below 220 on the 18th of July, and then about a week later went back up to 223 and it just stalled. Finally my weight started dropping a bit, and this morning when I weighed myself the scale said 219. Not perfect, but back on track, and I plan on taking advantage of the bit of momentum and hoping I can keep going.

Lately I have been thinking of what my problems that have been stalling me are:

1) I get discouraged when I don't lose, so then I stop trying, which of course means definitely not losing

2) I've been drinking. I really need to stop. I'm by no means concerned about it at an alcoholic level, but the fact is it's an extra couple hundred calories three or four days a week, and that is just not concurrent to weight loss. But it's really hard when you're dating and all that, I'm not at the point that I am with my girlfriends when I'm like stop pressuring me it's about the calories.

3) My weight loss is wonky. It just is. I lose super slow, then I'll drop a bunch of weight in a week, then I'll gain a lb or two, then I'll lose it, then hopefully drop a bunch again. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure it's hormonal. I accept it, because all in all it's a downward direction.

In the rest of my life, everything has been really good. I continue to feel good about myself, I like getting dressed to go out, I like how I look. I don't get the super hot girl amount of attention, but boys introduce themselves to me, there's one who is jokingly obsessed, I've been out with people, things are clearly headed in the right direction.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - for me this is just another work day, so if you can, blog for me and provide me with some entertainment!

xox
ange