So I'm not very patient...
I know this. I know that almost everything in life takes time, and everything good will be worth waiting for. However, I'm just having trouble waiting for it all. I will start seeing a therapist again on the 18th, and I'm really looking forward to discussing why nothing is enough for me.
I lost .2 lbs between yesterday and today. Nothing huge, but part of the bigger picture it's solid progress. But it's making me crazy. Crazy enough that I went and worked out, and waited to eat to see if it would go down, but it didn't. Working out is great, but the way I'm framing it is kind of freaking me out.
I just want to feel alright with myself already. I do feel SO much better now than I did at 270, but I'm still not comfortable. Which is fine - I'm also not stopping any time soon. But... I think that until I find myself at a weight that I think as acceptable, I find it impossible to believe someone could truly find me attractive. It's especially a struggle because I'm starting to annoy people. My sister in law and best friends are trying to be more patient with me, but I think they're starting to think I'm fishing for compliments or something when I ask if I think that guy could genuinely like me. I just don't see it. I see how I look better in clothes. How my size XL jean jacket not only fits but zips up. But my body? Acceptable, let alone attractive? Unheard of. And I hate that. I want to be cool and empowered and love myself no matter my size. But I don't.
In good news, I've been able to not drink and to work out every day in the past few, and that makes me feel a bit better.
xox
This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!
Mini-Goals and Statistics
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
100 lbs down!!
5 comments:
Okay poodles. Here it is. Are you ready? You are only thinking that the reason a guy can be attracted to you is because of your body.
Now stop and think about that.
Yes. Some men are total douche bags and only are interested in hot little bods...but I can tell you for sure that those are not the type of men you want.
I do think it is harder when you are talking about men who are in their 20's. But they do exist. You have to work on realizing that there are tons of reasons a guy would be attracted to you...and none of them have to do with whether or not your jean jacket zips up. You know you are funny, and kind, and stylish...don't any of those things count?
Have you ever been attracted to someone who wasnt text book hot? Or attracted to someone who you didnt think that you would be drawn too...but you were...bc there was something more to it.
Dont sell guys too short either. Yes we may look at some hot model man in his panties and be like DAMN he is smoking...but we know that "real guys" are hot too. Guys are attracted to confidence. How you wear your skin...not just your clothes.
love you poodles!
Amy, thanks so much for your comments. And you're totally right. I have totally been with guys who have liked me for the right reasons, and liked the ones I wouldn't have guessed I'd be attracted to. I think my issue right now is I'm just so close to feeling like... I want a hot guy to like me cause I'm hot, not cause I'm awesome. Which is silly but true. But I'll keep your logical love in my mind! I know that confidence has made such a diff, because I've weighed what I weigh now before and didn't have a shred of confidence, and had not a fraction of the attention either. Just gotta keep trucking.
Hi! First of all, I 100% agree with Amy. You have a LOT of attractive qualities and don't forget that some guys prefer women who aren't sticks!
That is so great that you are going to go to therapy -- I am a big advocate. It's like a mani/pedi for the soul! Nothing like an indulgent hour of being able to complain or talk about anything you want with someone who is legally prohibited from repeating it! :)
On the Wrapping-Your-Brain-Around-What-You-Look-Like-To-Others issue, my advice to you is this: save those thoughts for your therapist as much as possible (to avoid annoying your loved ones whose patience on that subject may be exhausted for now). And, feel free to force your therapist to listen to you talk about it ad nauseam until you have clarity!
Don't worry too much about this stuff -- you look great already and are just going to keep getting a better & better body during this process!
Catherine
Hi Angie -
Just wanted to say hello. I've been following Amy and Catherine's blogs and just found yours today. You look so great!! I'm being banded on Friday and it's so fun to read your past blog entries. So much of what you say I relate to down to my obsession with JCrew and Anthro...cannot wait to shop there!
Keep it up. You look amazing and you've come so far!
Jen
p.s. I totally want in on this clothes swapping thing. I love your dresses!!
I bought two new dresses today. I have a problem. I know.
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