I just want to thank everyone who commented on my last two blog posts... To the picture one, you guys are too sweet. Really, it gave me warm fuzzies. And to those who critique my choice of cork and leather footwear, remember I live in Vermont, where the weather is cold and the streets often unpaved. Heels just wouldn't impress them anyways, they'd barely notice. I joke that the epitome of style here is wearing the newest coloured Burton or North Face.

And an extra big thank you to everyone who commented on yesterday's post. I am feeling a lot better about the situation today, and have decided that for now, I'm going to just go about life trying my very hardest to not eat sketchy foods about people who may feel concerned, and also to keep my ear open for gossip. It's funny, like one hand I just want to broadcast to my 1000+ friends on facebook that I've had the band, and they can shape up or ship out. On the other, this journey is personal, and it's one time where I know it's fine to be selfish with the choices I make with who needs to know, after all, this one thing is all about me.

In other news... Angie got her first A on a college test today! Wehoo!

xox
ange

So this morning I went to the gym for a personal training session with Julie. A few minutes into our session she asked me who knows about the band. I told her - my mom and dad, one brother, my sister-in-law, and some of my friends. She then told me that she didn't think my cousin Rachel knew. She hadn't spilled the beans, but had something she wanted to tell me- something that might upset me.

Apparently Rachel, along with two of my friends here, have been discussing my weight-loss, and they think I'm bulimic. Julie, who knew better, tried to reassure her that she really didn't think that was the case, that in general bulimics don't lose a lot of weight, etc. But Rachel's noticed that I have to go to the bathroom a lot during meals, and has drawn her own conclusions.

I don't know what to do. Rachel is my cousin and we're very close, but at the same time she has a bigger than big mouth, and I am just not comfortable with the idea of my band getting out, getting passed down a family gossip line, and coming out my drunken grandmother's mouth at a family event. She'd certainly be upset to find out I had kept this from her, but at the same time she'd have to know that her being a gossip isn't news - she told me when another cousin was pregnant way before that cousin was 3 months along, etc.

At the same time... I don't like them thinking I'm making myself sick, and I don't like that people are talking behind my back. I feel like... It's just so not fair. Like... Ugh. I don't even know what to say. I'm upset and frustrated.

So what do I do? Do I tell her and hope she can keep it in, do I keep the secret and try harder not to get stuck? Poop. As if I didn't have enough to worry about...

xox.

I had a great weekend. My friend Claudia was here with her boyfriend Nick and we had so much fun, baking beautiful cupcakes, playing games and just lazing around together. My weight this Monday morning is back to 206.0 and I am fine with that. I ate more salty foods than I normally would this weekend, which is fine, and I know a few days back into my routine and that extra 1.2 - and hopefully a bit extra will be off no worries.

I was thinking of NSVs lately, and here are a few of mine.

-Everything fits better- there are a lot of clothes that I am not a size down in, but just fit so much more comfortably and flatteringly now. Like my North Face rain jacket - I used to struggle to zip it, now it's on over my big hoodie and scarf.

-My shoes are getting looser - I'm wearing my Birkenstock clogs today and I had to change the buckle -they were sliding off too easily.

-I can just shop when I need to. This is so huge. Last week I realized that it's getting a lot colder in Vermont, and I needed a couple more sweaters. So I went to the store, tried on a bunch of styles, colours and sizes and chose the one that looked best. The guy at the store helped me, I wasn't too embarrassed. I chose one. It was so nice not to be choosing a style because it covered me or best hit my flaws, but just to choose the one that was prettiest and most stylish and warm.

Hope everyone has a great Monday! I was at the gym this morning, now headed to meet a friend for lunch and then do a whole lot of math homework! Yuck!

xox
Ange

PS - Here's a pick of me from before Synagogue last night wearing my new hot pink M.A.C. lipstick... love M.A.C.!

So Friday is really my official weigh-in day, but when I saw 206.0 on the scale yesterday, I updated my ticker, cause I didn't expect it to last, who knows. Well this morning - 204.8 WOAH. I am in shock. I just weighed myself 5 times. I'm in SHOCK. Am I really that close? Oh my goodness!

I am off to the gym to share the good news with my trainer Julie and get my ass wooped in Phusia!

love love

Ange

Hey all!

Just realized I ought to update. I just saw one of the Lap-Band commercials, which made me really proud and happy. I'm so happy it's Thursday night - I am so glad to be out of class, my English class is really intense!

I'm exhausted but doing well. This morning I woke up extra early to go the gym - it's funny, but it has finally and truly become habit. I need to get in there most days, I don't sleep right if I don't.

Also, today I have gotten down to 206.0

My loss is slow, lord knows, but I can accept it if it's steady. At this rate I should reach my goal by around my birthday - just barely, but I think I'll be motivated enough to push push push!

xoxox
ange

Is the way you feel when you go upstairs at the end of the day with your big glass of ice water, knowing that you ate right all day, and worked out. Knowing the scale will probably be nice to you in the morning, but knowing, even if it doesn't, I've done everything I could, and it'll catch up soon.

I'm feeling really good about my journey right now, and am trying to be as kind to myself as I can - that's my goal for the week. To treat my body with respect means taking care of what I put in my body, but also treating my soul right.

Tonight's Biggest Loser isn't bothering me as much as last week. They're all dropping such ridiculous numbers - like 40 some odd pounds in two weeks for one guy? Insane! And not sustainable.

Lots of love and Bandster hugs!

xx
ange

So I couldn't resist. I bought big-girl jeans today. No, I don't mean big-girl as in plus-sized, I mean big girl as in expensive. Designer. Premium denim if you will. These are Fidelity, were 40 dollars off, and I'm in love with them. Oh and they're a 31. The 32 fit so perfectly that I knew if I bought them they'd be too big too soon to justify this spending, so I squeezed down a size, and I think that as long as I wear them with questionably maternity tops, haha, I can make em work till they provide a little less tummy bulge. I took some pictures, include one where I strangely look like a pregnant monkey. Obviously I dig it!

It's been a better day today, finally feeling a bit more human. I hate to think it's just cause my weight was back down to 207.4 this morning, but that and the fact that my monthly visitor seems to have finally left me have resulted in a shinier brighter happier Angie.

I've had a huge day so far today, and it's only half-ish done. I woke up at 7am, packed for my wknd away, did some last minute homework reading. Got to the gym at 9:15, did 20 mins on the arc trainer then a GRUELING session with my trainer (cause I'm gonna miss three classes this weekend.) Then rushed home, jumped in the shower, left home, rushed to class at 11:45 which I miraculously wasn't late for. Drama was fun, and my scene presentation went over well. Then I ran to English, sucking down a Starbucks protein shake in the middle - pretty tasty I might add. I escaped English half an hour early so I'd get here on time. I stopped at McDonalds on the way - I literally hadn't eaten a solid thing since 8:30 am and wasn't so much hungry as I knew I should be. Now I know I should have chosen nuggets - not perfectly healthy, but perfectly band edible. Nope, Angie wanted a cheeseburger. Even with half the bun taken off, even chewing till it was mush, it wouldn't stay down. Silly Angie. Rushed to the grocery store, bought a yogurt and a protein bar, which I am now eating past the security checkpoint because the nice lady took pity on me. Oh Vermont, how quaint we are.

Now I'm waiting for my flight to DC, which will board in about fifteen minutes. I have an hour layover there, so I'll prob get something to eat then - hopefully there's some sort of soup option somewhere, as my band is annoyed with me for trying to eat evil white flour and the like. Then finally fly to Toronto, home at 11:30pm. Hopefully it's all quick and easy, because this day is long enough without delay!

Lots of love,

Ange

PS Lizzie, I'll e-mail ya about the ADD stuff once I'm home tomorrow, I'm def very knowledgeable in that area.

Hey Everyone,

Doing significantly better than last night, though still feeling drained and low. I often turn to music when I feel low, or happy, or anything for that matter... Right now these lyrics are providing some clarity for me.

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

It's definitely hard sometimes, but all the comments I got on my last entry really do help - it really makes a difference, knowing I'm not alone in this. I also sometimes need to just not let myself wallow - I am really good at being sad, which sounds like such a depressing thing to say, but it's true. Sometimes I need to get myself unstuck, brush it off, and go on living, knowing eventually my feelings will catch up.

I had a session with my therapist this morning, which was helpful. She raised a couple of interesting questions for me too, such as do I think going off the pill might be affecting my mood - for a lot of women it makes PMS and just plain MS better. Add that to the fact I'm back on Ritalin, which is known to cause anxiety in some people - she wonders if I should go back on the pill or maybe back on an SSRI. I'm going to talk to a psychiatrist, she gave me a bunch of numbers, which will be good, I often try to figure out med stuff on my own, which is never a good idea.

I had a good day today eating and exercise-wise, went to my Phusia class this morning, then had therapy, a quick lunch at this store that isn't Whole Foods but is exactly like it, then class. I had a piece of roast chicken, some green beans, a bit of salad and some melon. I got a bit stuck, but nothing came up. Stress makes me tighter. Then tonight we went to the hotel for my cousin Rachel's son's third birthday. I had tuna tartar to start, which comes on a bed of avocado and then a grilled shrimp caesar salad for my main, but I could only eat like one shrimp and a bit of salad. No regrets eating wise which is good. I hope the scale reflects it, but at the same time, I'll try to be OK if it doesn't.

I'm going home tomorrow night for the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashana. It'll be nice to be in my parents home (can't believe I'm saying that!) again, and amongst loved ones. I'll be away from the scale for a few days too, which should be good.

OK... Time for bed, I am completely exhausted, and still need to pack. Hope everyone's doing well.

xox

OOH PS HAPPY NSV SIDENOTE: I had a bit of time before class today so went into a fancy jeans store out of boredom, and decided to try on some jeans, see how far I was. She was all out of 32s, but there was a pair of Hudsons (which are, btw 288 dollars and SO out of my price range right now!) in a 31 that were really cute... and they totally fit! They looked great in everywhere but the waist - they were just too muffin-toppy, but really nice in the bum and legs... Not so long till I can fit into them, though afford them is a totally different story.

The title of this blog is the name of an album by one of my favorite bands, The Anniversary, so don’t worry, I haven’t completely fallen off the deepend. I am however, going through one of my ever so common emotional periods.

Tonight I watched the Biggest Loser. For the first time, I didn’t like it much. It made me so sad to see people s o sad about their weight, and then it made me completely irrationally jealous when I saw them losing so much weight. When the girl on the pink team was worried about being sent home because she lost “only” six pounds in a week I started to freak out a bit. I would KILL right now to lose 6lbs in a week. I’m sure all of us would. It was just too much - too intense. Not enough of an escape for me maybe - so much of my focus these days is on my weight and diet and excercise, and maybe at the end of the day, it’s not what I want from my entertainment.

My weight is doing what it always does, stalling, creeping back up, upsetting and confusing me. This happens almost every month, and it hurts me ever time. I wish I could break through this stall, but I know I will. I wish even more that I could not be so deeply upset by any lack of progress - I don’t like to think of my mood and happiness so defined by an at-times arbitrary number on the scale.

And then I just got so upset. My internet is down right now - so while I’m writing this Tuesday night, it probably won’t get posted till I get to campus tomorrow afternoon. So I’m upset and feeling so lonely and isolated. I love so much of my life here in Vermont, the beautiful setting and the home I get to live in, the school I attend, the place where I work and my friends, but I don’t have as many as I do at home, and I am alone more here. At least when I can get online I have you guys and Facebook and a world of distractions... Tonight it was just me, my emotions and the Biggest Loser. I finally called my Mom. Sometimes I feel guilty about calling her when I’m down - my eldest brother has emotional issues and is sometimes constantly calling them and I hate to feel like another burden for her. I was so upset by that point I was nearly hysterical - I just was SO upset by the numbers I’ve been seeing on the scale, and also upset about my boy situation or lack thereof and various other things that I just needed to cry for a few minutes. Oy vey.

After a bit, I was able to get myself a bit of perspective... I need to think of how far I’ve come, how little two or three pounds are in the grand scheme, etc. My mother also suggested I write this now, even if I wouldn’t be able to share it right away, get these emotions out, to share with you all eventually. She was right of course, I do feel a bit better.

Love and positivity,

Ange

Had an amazing workout this morning with my trainer, and then because I knew I'd really want a cookie today, I swam 30 laps at the pool at work. I'm here at Topnotch now, sitting in the lobby of the hotel working on my Math and English assignments and looking out at the beautiful view. My internet is down at home and is free here, and the hotel is so quiet - it's a lovely place to work, and everyone seems to find it pretty hilarious that I'm here!

I'm not so excited to be home alone tonight with no internet, but luckily I have the Biggest Loser to look forward to!

So excited!

xoxox
ange

Don't have a ton of time to post before I get to the gym, but Amy and I were talking last night. Talking about, how to different extents, we've both fallen off the wagon. Yes, again. I am having a really freaky time with my cycle lately, so I know that must be partially to blame (this is my second time in 3 weeks, people!) but I also know this weekend my eating was BAD.

On Friday morning I was down to 207.6, yesterday morning it was 210.4. WHAT?! This morning it's down .6 to 209.8 but it's still up and I'm not happy!

So I talked to my LBBFF and we've decided it is ON. This week we will be good. We will exercise, we will eat our protein first, we will NOT DRINK... And not drink Sunkist!

I know you've heard this all from me before - pretty sure my modus operandi is fuck up and fix it, but this time it is ON- I just thought about not getting to one-derland for my bday and that is just too upsetting a prospect. Gotta push through this!

xoxoxox

I am BORED. I have been at work for 9 hours and 45 minutes and I am OVER IT.

I also weighed in at 210.4 this morning. WHAT!? That's up 2.8lbs since friday - I'm hoping it's some Sodium induced bloat, I've been really careful about my sodium all day today, hopefully it's back on track tomorrow.

I am just in a foul mood... I thought cutting down to one work day would be nice, but instead I come in to find all my files disorganized, my favorite pens gone and all these things booked wrong... RAWR!

OK. I'm gonna stop ranting and start shutting down... Till next week, evil spa desk!

I've started making Fridays the day I measure my weight loss, because it's... I don't know. Tuesday wasn't doing it for me anymore.

Plus, it was last Friday that I finally had my six month bandiversary and got under 210. I figured out that to lose my next 10 lbs in time for my bday, to get me to one-derland, I needed to do like 1.7 a week. Well this week it was 2.2! Wooo!

I can't believe one-derland is in the not so distant future... I'm gonna FLIP when I hit it!

That I could forget my appetite like I did all day. A banana and half a protein bar and a large latte were all I consumed till 8pm when I finally made myself a meal and ate. Don't know where my appetite went (Ritalin may be to blame... err credit) but I don't miss it! Obviously I know it's important to eat and not let me metabolism slow down, but I'm just so stoked to feel like I've gotten far enough from such compulsive eating to a place where eating is something I SOMETIMES have to force myself to do! It's a total change. Now I am by no means recommending anyone not eat - I genuinely don't have an interest in food right now, which is a noted side-effect of a medication I NEED. I just want to sidenote that, and add I'd take no ritalin and a huge appetite over the attention problems I have any day of the week.

My weight last Thursday - 209.8. My weight last night 208.4. My weight now - 209.0 UGH. I hate fluctuations! I know it'll all work out, but this goal I'm working on right now - under 200 is the first one I've given myself a big time constraint on - my birthday. That's October 29th, and I have 9lbs to lose by then... Totally do-able, but I'd love it if I could just lose the 1.8lbs a week I need to steadily so I'm not worried about it, ya know?

Eh, nothing I can do but keep exercising and keep making good choices, one moment at a time.

xox
ange

LOVE YOU AMY! MISSED YA LOTS, ENJOY YOUR DAY!

Hey Everyone!

Just got back from a super amazing personal training with my new trainer Julie. She is amazing. I've been going to her Phusion dance classes 3x a week lately - they're like Zumba but more intense and better dance, as Julie is a dancer. She is amazing, and I really really liked the way she trained me. It was hard - hard enough that it hurt to walk upstairs and my forearm muscles are getting tired from just typing, but I also felt like she really respected my limits. It was a lot of fun. She also talked to me about how important it is for me to eat right after I work out, because muscles start breaking down withing 45 minutes after a workout.

I got home and made myself some chicken salad with 1/3c chopped roasted chicken, 1tbsp mayo, a couple of pieces of apple cut up into chunks and just a pinch of shredded cheddar. I ate that with about 5 wheat thins and no guilt - it's so nice to feel like I am fueling my body. I hate that I still feel guilty sometimes when I eat, but I don't right now, and that's great.

Today is my day off, as I start school tomorrow! I'm really excited, and also so excited to have a day to myself. Might just lie by the pool and try and get some summer while I can - I saw some of the gorgeous fall foliage we're famous for here in VT on my way home from the gym!

xox
ange

I haven't seen an update from any of you all day - you must be enjoying Labor Day Weekend rather than working it like me!

I'm excited to get out - just one more hour, and then I'll get to the party already in progress at my house - our big end of summer bash. We have a big Bonfire on the beach by our pond, play music, sing, eat marshmallows and drink and generally have an awesome time. I'm so stoked!

This is totally random but I'm just so excited about it I had to share... Check out my pretty new desk! It's from Crate and Barrel and I lurv it.

Ok, so I've decided to just keep my dating deets private for now - not cause of dear anonymous' comment at all, but mostly because I just don't know who'll see this blog, with all my followers and friends, but anyone who wants to know - send me an e-mail and I'll gladly dish! xox

Hi Lovelies!
So much to blog about, but today it is easy to know where to Begin...

I've lost 60 lbs since my consultation date, and just in time for my sixth month Bandiversary tomorrow! I am just so happy! I cannot believe that I am more than half-way to goal, just ten lbs away from one-derland, and have come this far in just six short months. And sixty pounds! Whoa! That's a giant catfish, according to most of my Google image searches! It's enough to make me able to shop anywhere I want. To make my body shape, with the exception of my lower tummy hanging nastiness feel pretty close to normal. To make me feel confident enough to date who I want to date. It's been beyond amazing.

It reminds me of this quote, which I actually got as a card from my mom before surgery.

If that's hard to read, the copy is

you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... do the thing you think you cannot do.
-eleanor roosevelt

Losing this much weight, is the thing I knew I could not do. My mom and I talked about this recently - about how she always knew I'd be able to do it someday, how she could even picture me smaller. I really never could. I could not imagine staying fat forever, but I also couldn't imagine how I would ever find my way out of that hell. Staring this demon (excuse all the hell puns!) in the face has been so empowering - if I can do this, I know I can truly do anything. In fact, I don't think I would have had the courage to be going back to school next week had I not conquered this hurdle first.

Needless to say, being banded was the best decision I've ever made. It's letting the real me come out, and the real me is pretty stoked to know you all.

Love and hugs.

Ange

WAS AWESOME. :-)

I have all this time to kill before I leave for the date in half an hour, so thought I'd take some pics for ya'll!

Hi Everyone!

Today and yesterday are my last "weekmiddle"of the summer - I go back to school next week, which means weekends off again! I'll still be working Sundays, but it's just part-time, so life will be pretty chill again. I can't wait to rejoin normal society that celebrates rather than dreads Fridays!

Yesterday I had an awesome day off. My cousin Rachel and I biked the entire Stowe Recreation Path. I just wikipedia'd it and apparently it's award winning, who knew. What I do know that it's five and half miles each way, and we did a round trip! It was easy there, and easy until we stopped for a lunch break halfway back - and then it was killer! My bum is so sore today! But I'm so glad we did it.

After that, we, with her hubby Ben and her 2 month old violet picked up her adorable boys from school and went to the Champlain Valley Fair. We had an awesome time taking the boys on kiddie rides, riding a few grown up ones of our own, seeing all sorts of animals - like the hugest frigging steer I've ever seen, weighing just under 4000lbs!

We also, of course, ate. I tried to keep it as reasonable as possible while also knowing that it's a once a year occurrence, and I may as well try to enjoy. We all shared a funnel cake, I ate about half of my small corn-dog (it got stuck, of course) and then a good portion of oh so greasy blooming onion. And then just mouthfuls of the kids candy apples, cotton candy and ice cream. I didn't feel too guilty about, between the bike ride and all the walking, I knew it'd turn out OK.

My tummy however, has not been so forgiving - I have a first date tonight and I'm really hoping I feel totally normal by then! Speaking of which, when do you ladies think you'd mention dieting/the band with a new guy? I don't want to tell anyone right away, but I know I'd definitely want to tell him - or any other guy once I felt comfortable, my eating habits can seem strange, and I'd rather him know I'm banded thank think I'm bulimic. Also, I know some people are like "guys don't like girls who order salads," but to me, that's a safe choice - I don't wanna have to be running the the bathroom to yak tonight! What do you ladies think?

xox
Ange

ps I just checked the menu of where we're going and they have crabcakes - my bandster safe food, yay!

EDIT : I FORGOT TO MENTION - 210.6! .6lbs by Friday - I'm pushing for it!