The title of this blog is the name of an album by one of my favorite bands, The Anniversary, so don’t worry, I haven’t completely fallen off the deepend. I am however, going through one of my ever so common emotional periods.
Tonight I watched the Biggest Loser. For the first time, I didn’t like it much. It made me so sad to see people s o sad about their weight, and then it made me completely irrationally jealous when I saw them losing so much weight. When the girl on the pink team was worried about being sent home because she lost “only” six pounds in a week I started to freak out a bit. I would KILL right now to lose 6lbs in a week. I’m sure all of us would. It was just too much - too intense. Not enough of an escape for me maybe - so much of my focus these days is on my weight and diet and excercise, and maybe at the end of the day, it’s not what I want from my entertainment.
My weight is doing what it always does, stalling, creeping back up, upsetting and confusing me. This happens almost every month, and it hurts me ever time. I wish I could break through this stall, but I know I will. I wish even more that I could not be so deeply upset by any lack of progress - I don’t like to think of my mood and happiness so defined by an at-times arbitrary number on the scale.
And then I just got so upset. My internet is down right now - so while I’m writing this Tuesday night, it probably won’t get posted till I get to campus tomorrow afternoon. So I’m upset and feeling so lonely and isolated. I love so much of my life here in Vermont, the beautiful setting and the home I get to live in, the school I attend, the place where I work and my friends, but I don’t have as many as I do at home, and I am alone more here. At least when I can get online I have you guys and Facebook and a world of distractions... Tonight it was just me, my emotions and the Biggest Loser. I finally called my Mom. Sometimes I feel guilty about calling her when I’m down - my eldest brother has emotional issues and is sometimes constantly calling them and I hate to feel like another burden for her. I was so upset by that point I was nearly hysterical - I just was SO upset by the numbers I’ve been seeing on the scale, and also upset about my boy situation or lack thereof and various other things that I just needed to cry for a few minutes. Oy vey.
After a bit, I was able to get myself a bit of perspective... I need to think of how far I’ve come, how little two or three pounds are in the grand scheme, etc. My mother also suggested I write this now, even if I wouldn’t be able to share it right away, get these emotions out, to share with you all eventually. She was right of course, I do feel a bit better.
Love and positivity,
Mini-Goals and Statistics
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
100 lbs down!!