Designing a Nervous Breakdown

The title of this blog is the name of an album by one of my favorite bands, The Anniversary, so don’t worry, I haven’t completely fallen off the deepend. I am however, going through one of my ever so common emotional periods.

Tonight I watched the Biggest Loser. For the first time, I didn’t like it much. It made me so sad to see people s o sad about their weight, and then it made me completely irrationally jealous when I saw them losing so much weight. When the girl on the pink team was worried about being sent home because she lost “only” six pounds in a week I started to freak out a bit. I would KILL right now to lose 6lbs in a week. I’m sure all of us would. It was just too much - too intense. Not enough of an escape for me maybe - so much of my focus these days is on my weight and diet and excercise, and maybe at the end of the day, it’s not what I want from my entertainment.

My weight is doing what it always does, stalling, creeping back up, upsetting and confusing me. This happens almost every month, and it hurts me ever time. I wish I could break through this stall, but I know I will. I wish even more that I could not be so deeply upset by any lack of progress - I don’t like to think of my mood and happiness so defined by an at-times arbitrary number on the scale.

And then I just got so upset. My internet is down right now - so while I’m writing this Tuesday night, it probably won’t get posted till I get to campus tomorrow afternoon. So I’m upset and feeling so lonely and isolated. I love so much of my life here in Vermont, the beautiful setting and the home I get to live in, the school I attend, the place where I work and my friends, but I don’t have as many as I do at home, and I am alone more here. At least when I can get online I have you guys and Facebook and a world of distractions... Tonight it was just me, my emotions and the Biggest Loser. I finally called my Mom. Sometimes I feel guilty about calling her when I’m down - my eldest brother has emotional issues and is sometimes constantly calling them and I hate to feel like another burden for her. I was so upset by that point I was nearly hysterical - I just was SO upset by the numbers I’ve been seeing on the scale, and also upset about my boy situation or lack thereof and various other things that I just needed to cry for a few minutes. Oy vey.

After a bit, I was able to get myself a bit of perspective... I need to think of how far I’ve come, how little two or three pounds are in the grand scheme, etc. My mother also suggested I write this now, even if I wouldn’t be able to share it right away, get these emotions out, to share with you all eventually. She was right of course, I do feel a bit better.

Love and positivity,



Alexis said...

Ugh, okay. That almost made me cry because I feel THE EXACT SAME WAY right now. First off, the BL was pretty depressing last night and I just want to kick the freaking TV when she was sad over 6 pounds! I'd kill to lose that in the next month the way my weight is coming off. I know we can't compare ourselves to them because I'd love to have 8 hours a day and 2 personal trainers to kick my butt into gear. Anyways...

Although I don't know personally how it feels to kind of be on your own and away from family, but I do know the feeling of feeling all alone even though we know in our hearts that we truly are not (does that even make sense?!). This journey we are on can make us feel so isolated sometimes even when we do have people around.

You seem like such a positive and joyful person and all I can say is to keep your head up and keep doing what you've been doing. Persistence and patience does pay off, that is one thing that I do know :)

Stacie Rodgers said...

hugs. keep your chin up. you can do it. take a break from the scale but keep doing what you know you should be. my first month or two losing weight this time around. i would only get on the scale once a month. it helped. took the stress off. i did what i needed to do and kept chugging along.

good luck.

pookie said...

Hugs!! I know this is going to be so stressful for me too.... I think we all feel this way at times. I am sure it feels better to write it down and get it out!
I am having the band 1 week from today....going through some emotions myself.

Amy W. said...

Tracey thought BL was sad too. I always think it is sad. But you have to remember a couple of things. First, they are working out for 8 hours a day. Also, so many people on BL gain all their freaking weight back. DId you see that Oprah episode? They gain it back bc BL is not real life. While we def have that chance with the band, it is slimmer (if you will).

Stay positive. It is happening for us.

jennyr1222 said...
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Angie said...

Thank you all so much for your comments. It really means a lot, and I'm so lucky to have you guys. Also so happy my 'net's back up. love love.

Tiffani said...

I so get all of this :( BL was sad but I still felt so happy for those people along with the jealousy. I also compared myself to everyone saying, "I weigh less than him/her!!" with each person's weigh-in.. sad.

I'm glad you're feeling better babe. I hope you (and me!!) break through that damn stall!

Catherine55 said...

Hey there -- I'm just catching up on your blog. I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so down.

You've lost more than 60 pounds already and are still going strong! I have the same plateau issue every single month, and the way I deal with it is to remind myself that that's just how my body works, and that every time TOM ends, the plateau breaks. So, I try to be patient with the scale and to remember that it's going to move as soon as I get around to that part of the cycle.

Also, remember that if you were losing 6 lbs a week, you'd be dealing with a world of extra skin that slow loss should (at your spry young age!) take care of for you. Slow loss is healthier for your body and gives your skin a chance to shrink.

The skin thing actually really helps me on the plateaus. So far, everything has shrunk up just fine, and the "girls" seem to have snapped back into place. I know that if I wasn't losing at such a painfully slow rate, that my body could not have adjusted so well.

So, while it's frustrating and annoying, there are good things in the slow loss as well. And, you ARE going to get to goal -- don't worry about whether it takes you a few extra months. You will be there to stay once you are there.



Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

It's refreshng to know other people feel this way every so often. Normally a jolly outgoing person, I tend to keep my feelings to myself when they are negative. I feel the same, I blame myself, I freak out! You are further down the road and have proof that you can rock it!!! So believe in yourself! How many stalls did it take to get you here? I'm sure more than a few!

btw, Amy said you know something about add? Can you read my next to last blog about how I feel w/ add and give me some insight? I think I have it, always have. But I think it might be time for medication now. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

DawnB said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are an inspiration to me and you are doing so well with your WL. I hope things brighten up for you soon :)

This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!

Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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