I like me for me...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to love myself a bit more. I am still guilty of quantifying anything positive I say about myself. I won't say, "I look hot today." Instead, I'll say "For someone who used to weigh 270lbs, I don't look too shitty. At least this top covers up my jiggles." And that's lame. Lame because it makes me sound like I'm looking for reassurance, which I'm not. It's lame because it discounts what I am actually saying. Deep inside, the former message is still one of self-validation, but I know that that positive message gets lost in translation.

The fact that I once weighed much more than I do now really shouldn't matter. It doesn't affect how I look anytime but in a bikini or naked. It doesn't affect how I dress, how I think, how I flirt, how I act. It doesn't make me any less pretty than the girl who's been a normal weight her whole life. I can say these things, knowing they're true, but lately I've been struggling to believe them in my heart of hearts.

Sometimes I feel like I still blame myself for having once been fat.

So what to do? I try my best to see myself the way you girls and my other supporters do. And I try to live it - by validating myself and accepting compliments.


Nawlinz Lady (Dee) said...

Accepting compliments when they were none for such a long time is difficult to learn, but you will!

Bandita Senorita said...

Great post--and you look super! I love the top!

Beth said...

You are hot, beautiful, and smart. Don't punish yourself for the rest of your life, you are not 270lbs anymore. I do the same, ALOT, but we all need to learn that we are beautiful and sexy - perios - and the add on bla bla (for someone with batwings) is not necessary.
- I really wish I could figure out how to do it myself. What I can say is when you think that negative stuff, stop yourself and retrack the thought or statement. Thats what I do to try to teach myself to be kind to myself!

Nicole said...

I struggle with this too. We just have to realize that we are hot and attractive and it doesn't matter what our scale used to say or what size pants we used to wear.I love you and you look gorgeous in this sweater!!

Kristen said...

I think a lot of this for me comes from when I was bigger people used to tell me I looked good and in my head I would take it as 'look good for a fat person' now that i'm smaller, and people tell me I look good its hard not to still think- yeah for a fat person. But we aren't that fat girl with a pretty face anymore, we are the normal girls who are just straight up pretty! Take the compliments you get with grace- and give them to yourself frequently and hopefully sooner rather then later you start to beleive them! You are beautiful! xxoo

Brooke said...

Yeah I totally get that, it's like we're giving ourselves backhanded compliments, ALL THE TIME. It starts to wear you down to the point where you wonder am I me, or, "the girl who used to weigh 270 lbs"?

And then I also struggle with moments when I do feel hot and I think: Who are you?

I guess it'll take a while to find a new normal but in the meantime, it's kinda all over the place ;-)

Dinnerland said...

I think it is a process and your self-esteem will improve over time. It's great that you realize that you say good things about yourself but only with qualification.
Now you have the power to stop yourself and re-program your thinking over time.
If you catch yourself saying something not too nice to yourself, rephrase it and say it out loud.
One day, you will believe it, but the change will start with noting the unconscious thoughts and replacing them with positive messages.

Catherine55 said...

I'm with Vanessa on this (and Beth on all the compliments -- you look absolutely beautiful!). You are young and you have lots of time to get used to being thin and pretty. Just keep working on the positive self-talk and seeing yourself as you actually are, and you will move past this phase in due course. I wonder if butterflies have these issues. . LOL

Christine said...

You are beautiful by the way.

momma2fi said...

You ARE hot!! Just the words in this post have shown that you have taken one more step to self-acceptance and actualization. You ARE hot. No justification or reasoning necessary. You are. You.

andy said...

You have done so amazing! Your such an inspiration

Kate said...

You are gorgeous!! I love what Catherine wrote about the butterfly. When I look at a beautiful butterfly, I don't think about what it must have looked like as a catepillar. I think that is a great way to think about ourselves, your former larger self was just part of the journey that got you to the beautiful butterfly. You were always beautiful though, larger or smaller.

Colls said...

You are an amazing person - both on the inside and the outside. Though I have only lost 60 lbs, I know that one day you will be able to look at yourself and say those words out load. Because they are true... <3

This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!
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Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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