I've been thinking a lot lately about how to love myself a bit more. I am still guilty of quantifying anything positive I say about myself. I won't say, "I look hot today." Instead, I'll say "For someone who used to weigh 270lbs, I don't look too shitty. At least this top covers up my jiggles." And that's lame. Lame because it makes me sound like I'm looking for reassurance, which I'm not. It's lame because it discounts what I am actually saying. Deep inside, the former message is still one of self-validation, but I know that that positive message gets lost in translation.
The fact that I once weighed much more than I do now really shouldn't matter. It doesn't affect how I look anytime but in a bikini or naked. It doesn't affect how I dress, how I think, how I flirt, how I act. It doesn't make me any less pretty than the girl who's been a normal weight her whole life. I can say these things, knowing they're true, but lately I've been struggling to believe them in my heart of hearts.
Sometimes I feel like I still blame myself for having once been fat.
So what to do? I try my best to see myself the way you girls and my other supporters do. And I try to live it - by validating myself and accepting compliments.
Mini-Goals and Statistics
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
100 lbs down!!