The Skinny on Weight-Loss, Men and Promiscuity
HEY ALL! Sorry I've been M.I.A., life's been crazy. I'll update ya soon, but here's a post I worked on for a while, requested by Brooke.
At my highest weight, finding a guy to date or even just fool around with was somewhat of a struggle. I learned at one point that I loved having male best friends. We had everything in common, and we’d always revel in how we could keep it from “getting weird.” Then we’d let it. We’d make out once, soon start sleeping together. In one case it turned into a relationship, in another it was kept a secret, another ruined a friendship completely. I realized that this modus operandi wasn’t working for me - my M.O. was only causing me to lose friends and feel bad about myself - because almost never did these attractive fit guys want to be public about what we had going. That was really rough.
Fast forward to June 2009. About 40-45lbs down from my highest weight, I am still by no means slim but the thing that has changed the most about me is confidence. I go to Whistler to visit friends, an old flame happens to live there as well. In the past I was not able to even hang out with him - so nervous about what he’d think of my weight gain, that he wouldn’t wanna hook up, that I’d get over-involved and emotionally attached. My close friend who lives there was also worried about me too, she didn’t want me to get hurt. I met up with him anyways. It was awesome. Not just the physical - but that was awesome, hehe, but the emotional, the power I felt, the confidence. We had fun, we hung out, we said good-bye, and I was fine. I was more than fine. I felt empowered. I was kind of hooked.
I moved to Stowe, and got lots of positive feedback from a lot of people who hadn’t seen me since Christmas when I had been at my heaviest. A good male friend told me how proud he was of me. I found I wasn’t yet getting more attention from people I knew, but when i’d meet new men, I found that more, if not all, paid attention.
I hooked up with a pretty solid number of guys over the summer. It has been one of my biggest challenges to disconnect the feeling of obligation to seize any opportunity that comes up with men. For so long, it would be so long between finding partners that I would jump on any opportunity that came my way. This summer, they came pretty frequently. OY. No pun intended!
This fall has been an amazing time in my life when it comes to feeling confident and self-actualized. It is also the time when my weight got to a low enough point that the world started taking notice.
Taxi drivers hit on me. I can make a creepy old bartender serve me faster. I get asked to dance by randoms at the bars sometimes. I am still by no means thin, but I’m down into that “normal category.” And although that is mostly a good thing - the two guys I’ve been seeing most recently have no complaints about me or my body, it does prove difficult in one respect.
I am competing with the skinny girls now. And that is some STIFF competition. I met a guy recently who I have hit it off with amazingly. He’s the type of guy who I’d love to date not just hook up with. He’s attractive, he’s fit, he’s funny, he’s sweet... I adore this boy as a friend for sure, but I’ve been feeling like it could be more. I actually met him at my birthday party- he actually hooked up with someone else that night. But we’ve hung out (in groups) since then, we’ve started texting, and although I know it’s going well - I am racked by SO much self-doubt. I can only speak to what I’ve seen and what I’ve heard but this is a guy who goes for the hottest girls out there and gets them. I might be pretty, and I might be smaller than I once was, but I have a lot more poundage to lose before I can put myself in that category. And it is rough. And it’s rough that when I try to explain this to people they tell me to be nicer to myself and all that. I’m sorry. I wish I could. But this is the real world. I don’t want to hook up with or date people I’m not attracted to, or, to be honest, who I find less attractive than myself. Why should I expect him to do the same?
So as you can tell, although I am enjoying the changes, and certainly the attention and the options - being a semi big girl is in a way almost more confusing than being a big girl. When I was with a man who dug me at 250+ lbs, I knew that my weight was a non-issue. He knew I was big and he liked me anyways or for it. At 195 it’s a lot harder to tell. Does he like my personality but not my body? My face but not my core? My boobs but not my stomach? Is he worried about his friends giving him shit? Oy. No one has ever accused me of under-thinking these things.
So I hope this gave a good perspective. I’d love to answer any questions anyone has had - at this point I’m pretty sure I’ve written a thousand words, if only research papers flowed so easily.
xoxo
Angie
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This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!
20 comments:
Come on, if you were a psych major, you could turn this into your thesis. I of course have been there with you through some of this, but I am glad you are openinng up on your blog. I dont think 99% of your readers will think any less of you and most likely they will feel more connected to you and your honesty. I sometimes think how odd it is how little we share about our sex lives on our blogs. we talk about poop, throwing up, periods, etc...but only hint around with the sex talk....which is ironic, bc with weight loss like ours something has to change...whether you are married, single, or somewhere in between. I always hesitate bc there are a few of my readers (basically two that know me from real life) that are mormons and I worry about offending them...perhaps I will get over that some day soon and do a sex post myself!
Was the "stiff" competition a pun? bc it made me giggle.
Look, if your 20's arent designed for you to make mistakes and find yourself...I dont know what they are for. Be safe while you are figuring things out of course...although I cant wait to be a godmother...or a bubbie....to Angie Jr. someday!
Great post... no judgement here! My only suggestion is to not sell yourself short with this guy who only goes out with the hottest girls. I agree that people are interested in other people of the same attractiveness level, but if you are looking for a relationship look for someone who sees you as more then just physically attractive (which you are). As we all know beauty is fleeting!
You hit the nail on the head with this one. Your description is right on. Though I'm involved now, I have been where you are. Good luck. I'm glad that you're having fun dating!
Angie! Wow, that's awesome. I know completely how you feel. You neglected to mention one of the things that bothered me the most about being a big girl though - chubby chasers. Those guys who only date you cause you're a big girl. That was always one of my biggest fears, getting a guy like that who liked me because I was fat instead of liking me even though I was fat. You know what I mean? Cause I always wanted to lose weight, and I knew that if he was a good guy and I lost weight, then what? You know?
And yeah, competing with skinny girls is rough. heh.
:)
Hi Angie,
I totally get where you are going. I have dated a lot of good looking men as a big girl, and I've seen people looking at me with them as "? Why is he with her?"
I think the thing to remember is the 'totality of the circumstances'...it's not just what someone looks like, but how they act, how they make you feel, etc...
So while you are still not sure how you feel about your figure as a semi-big, or rather, semi-skinny!! girl, don't forget that guys (the good ones, anyway) are not just valuing you for your face or body, but if you make them laugh, if you make them feel good about themselves, etc. So he could very well think of you as in his realm because of everything about you...
I know this sounds kinda cheesy...but it's my two cents. I deleted an earlier super long comment, cause it was too rambling.
Angie - I lost a lot of weight in my early 20's and went through a time similar to yours now. I say LIVE IT UP! I loved my "player" days, seeing multiple guys at the same time. It's a great way to find what you want and don't want in a guy. Plus you just might meet mr. right. I met my husband at that time and at the beginning he was just one of many, but he ended up being much more than that.
But like Amy said, be safe...we'd hate to see you on Maury trying to figure out who the baby's daddy is :)
Hey Angie,
Being an 'old' (sigh lol) married woman I sometimes envy you younger girls that are getting out there and really living life. Absolutely no judgement from me here either - I was a bit of a player when I was your age and even now in my 40's (and we are about the same weight etc now) I find - like you - that I am being hit on more frequently (are men dogs sometimes or what!)
Just enjoy hon.. seriously. I get that you are nervous because I guess in your mind you haven't let go of the 'big girl' mentality, but if you come across even a tenth of the way you come across on your blog as being bubbly and sweet etc then well, I don't see there being any problems. You are going to be loved regardless.
The trouble I guess is doing the weeding.. sorting those bad guys from the good - but that's something only experience will bring. And how do you get experience? By getting out there and doing it all. You're having fun and who can knock that! And if they do, screw 'em. As long as you don't hurt anybody, go for it.
Hugs
Cara
Oh shit, so sorry, bad wording there. I didn't mean to say you were a player at all.. I was saying I WAS.. damn, hope that didn't come off wrong. xxx
i Angie,
Yup - I went through this too. I was in my late 20s, and I had just lost a lot of weight (one of my many yo-yo losses). The decrease in weight upped my hormones, my confidence, and coincided with the time of my life when my sex drive was out of control. Some nights I just felt that if I didn't have sex, I don't care with who, I thought that I might explode. Yikes - TMI - sorry. Quite honestly, I don't regret it. I was very safe sex wise, didn't take home strangers because of safety as well. My only regret was the few times when the sex was bad! lol.By the way, I have heard on more than one occasion that there are many men/women who go through a huge weight loss experience a crazy, free-for-all sexathon. I think of it as making up for lost and repressed time! Just remember that YOU are in control, and to be safe.
a
I love your honesty in the post Ang. I say play all you want while you're young my friend. As long as you're safe that is all that matters.
xoxo
Self confidence and self-actualization are very sexy attributes!! It makes you like a magnet.
Thanks so much for the great comments guys! You all had such supportive and interesting points and I so appreciate them.
Amy was so right about sex being this taboo here. Obviously it's a public venue, but at the same time if a 24 year old girl feeling the hottest she ever has isn't getting some, who is.
Angi, luckily I was never really the chubby chaser's target. It would have been a really hard thing to process - on one hand it would be nice to be loved for your current state, but very hard to know what someone loves about you is what you abhor in your self.
Everyone who called me a player is cool, don't worry. My friends have called me more scandalous ones anyways!
Ahhhhh! I know how you feel! This is all so new and confusing to me! hahaha
I'm kinda late of catching this post, but I thought I'd share my opinion.
Sooo, on one hand I WISH I was like you. One the other hand, sometimes I feel prudish. I'm not really a prude! When I'm w/ a man I'm "a lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets" but I'm more of a relationship girl. I don't think what your doing is abnormal or strange, just be safe. The whole plan B incident, Yikes, that'd freak me out. But yeah, as long as you don't feel used at the end of the night like you're doing something wrong, then I'd say you're fine. You should feel good about what you're doing. If you don't, then don't do it, ya know? Good luck figuring it all and what works for you!
Okay first, I tell like a total asshole, because I only saw this just now and it's Dec 1. And I thought it was such a good post. And I was the one who asked you about it!
So as you know, I'm married and we've been together a long time, I think there were dinosaurs roaming the earth when we got married.... But I'm only 32.
So aside from a couple of meaningless High School (HS) boyfriends and some hookups when I was traveling in my late teens/early 20's, I have zero experience. And I don't really count that stuff because a) HS is HS and b) my hook ups in Europe etc always involved some combo of drugs and alcohol.
I love DH very much and am very attracted to him but when I hit 225 lbs down an old male "friend" who doesn't know I had surgery but can see I've lost weight said, "Now that you're thinner do you think you'll stay with your husband?"
Honestly I went through a range of emotions. Pissed at his presumption. Enraged at his rudeness. Hurt for my DH's sake and then thoughtful. Because he did have a point in that I had kind of hitched my star on to DH before I really knew much about myself sexually, as an adult or just as a woman.
I talked about it with DH and it's brought up some interesting conversations. But if anything his response has made me feel better about our marriage. But I could see that for someone else, an early marriage w/o "real" dating could lead them to some serious reflection once they lost weight later in life.
So I think what you're doing- sowing your wild oats and really enjoying your body- is a great thing. I can read that you feel good about the purely physical experiences and it must be so much better than before- now you call the shots.
Bahahah-- you know you wrote a good post when everyone's comments are so long you little playa you!!!
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