I should preface this whole post by saying I am by no means a model bandster in the traditional follow all the rules sense.  It's 10:27 am as I write this and I just finished my breakfast. A Coke. In a glass bottle, cause I'm classy like that.

Having said that, I do feel pretty strongly that I've figured out weight management for my body which is of course nobody's body but mine.

How I eat throughout the day:

Breakfast is rarely solid food, it's just too hard for me to eat soon after waking up. I'll take a coffee from home or pick up a latte, or a hot chocolate or some form of liquid calories for breakfast. While I was trying to lose these would be purposefully healthy or protein loaded choices, for maintenance I just need some calories to get my body turned on.

My job is really busy, and I forget to eat lunch way more often than I should. This is by no means good, and I'm not going to pretend it's OK. I know better, really, and this is something I will be talking about in therapy.  How crazy is that - that my biggest eating related struggle right now is my body forgets to tell me it's hungry, and I just work away and then am hangry by the end. 

When I do take the time to eat lunch, I either eat out somewhere around work (soup or chili from Tim Horton's, sometimes junky fast food, sometimes fancy Chinese burritos that I can't afford but are the best thing ever.)  Even better though is when I bring lunch in. Lately my routine is to pick up a good sized container of tuna or chicken or salmon salad from a deli near home, a bag of pita chips, and some veggie sticks and just eat that every day for a few in a row. It doesn't bother me, and it's tasty and healthy enough that I can let myself have a Coke.

I really like regular Coke now. I should devote a whole post to that.

Dinner is the time where I eat a lot.  Like I said, by no means model, but happily maintaining.  I'd say my portions are a happy medium between lap-band portions and healthy normal person portions. So that means when I go out to a restaurant, I still never ever finish a whole meal.  But I order a whole meal, I'm OK with spending the money and enjoying fewer bites. When it comes to actual portion sizes, I'm often able to finish just under what a "recommended serving" is, for example we had fancy frozen chicken nuggets last week, the box said that one portion was six pieces, I had five and Adam had 12. Ha.

I used to be the exercise queen, and that has slacked to nearly nothing. I've been working in a "grown-up job" (my first) since September and I feel like I'm finally no longer super exhausted by it - so my goal this summer is to get right back on track.  I'll be using this space to stay accountable.

xox
ange

Warning, this will be very stream of consciousness. I'm out of practice.

Wow. It has been years since I blogged. I don't even recognize this fancy new blogger layout.

I was killing time today and decided to log on here and see how some old friends were doing.  I know I dropped off the face of the bandster universe when I left, and I think that was really important at the time.

I remember fearing my identity was too tied to my weight-loss, and I feared never feeling like I could have a different title.

I have many new titles. Manager. Social Media Maven (I blog for the moneys now!) Fiance. Boss.

It's amazing how far my life has come since WLS.  I was banded more than four years ago, on March 4, 2009. I weight 269lbs then. I think. How do I not remember?

I weight 130lbs now. For real. For real. Sometimes when I type it, I still can't believe it. The last 10-15 were the hardest, taking place over the past year or so.

It's crazy to be engaged now, not worrying about fitting in to sample sizes.  Because I am trying to maintain not lose my weight, I don't think about my eating too often. I can eat out in restaurants. Everyone is used to my small portions - my new employees and coworkers just think I'm a skinny girl who eats as such. I freaked them out when I showed them my before pictures.

I do struggle with body dysmorphia lately, which is what takes me back here.  I still play the am I smaller or bigger than her game, but I am always wrong. I know that I go into stores and buy a size 4 skirt or even the miraculous size zero shorts (I swear it's a misprint) but I still don't see myself as skinny. I don't see myself as someone who someone else wouldn't refer to as "the bigger girl."

It's a struggle for me and also for Adam, my fiance.  He is so wonderful and supportive, but he also never knew me big, so I think sometimes has trouble understanding why it's all such a big deal.

I've taken a positive step - I've reached out to a few therapists to start some cognitive behavioural therapy to get myself more in touch with my lucky, happy reality.

xox
ange

Hi Everyone,

So it has been a long time since I have blogged, and an even longer time since I've blogged about weight loss. I'm not sure why. One reason certainly is that I've been busy - finals, work with Invisible Children, my new internship at the Four Seasons.

I think another is I have struggled. I'm back on the fills, but I weigh more than I want to, more than I did for a while, and it's heartening. It reminds you how badly we all need our tools, our support team. I realized that as soon as I stopped making weight loss my number one priority, my life got better - but my weight went up. All in all I think this is a positive. The pressure I felt as "weight-loss girl" was huge, and made me kind of sad. Sure I was proud of having lost 100lbs, but I wanted to be known for things that were true expressions of who I really was, what my passions were, not what my body was. This blog is named after a John Mayer lyric, and this makes me think of another - "I am bigger than my body gives me credit for."

So I'm working on that. Working on losing weight, because I don't like being above goal. I don't like struggling to find a blazer that'll do up, or having clothes in my closet that I can't wear. But working on it slowly. Working on it healthfully... With lots of real life in between.

I miss you guys though - something made me click over to blogger this morning, and it looks like I have tons of catching up to do.

Hearts,

Angie

My blogging family has been incredibly generous so far, and Camille, Joey, Stephanie and Alexis have all made awesome contributions and I so appreciate them. I'm more than 60% of the way to my goal of raising $500.00 to help end Africa's Longest Running War.


25 Instructional Video from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

 


Please, if you can, make a donation. My TV interview never made it online, but as I said in it, once you learn about the atrocities being committed by the LRA, you cannot forget them. Once you learn about how Invisible Children is helping, you cannot ignore the problem, you have to help too. Please.

I have been on this journey for well over two years now. Today I was compelled to go to the beginning. To see how excited I was. How far I've come. How insightful I was. Here is the link to my first month's worth of entries.

One highlight:

The non scale goals. All of these have been more than accomplished.

• to be able to wrap myself up in a normal sized towel
• to be able to comfortably bring the tray-table down on a plane
• to be able to go into a store and try things on based on what I like, not just what fits
• to ski all day with my family without getting tired... I kinda pretend I just don't like it now :(
• to enjoy workouts
• I used to love going to the gym, I'd go 3 or 4 days a week and get so so into it. I know I just need to get the routine back in motion
• to be able to run. I've never been able to do that.

Or my entry on Feb 13, 2009:

Who will I be...

Feb 13

I've been thinking a lot lately of how much of my identity is wrapped up in my weight. I try not to let it define me, and I know I'm lucky that I have the... chutzpah (a yiddish word) to go out and wear my bathing suit on the beach, even when I don't love how my body looks in it.

But I wonder how I'll feel, not being the fattest person (or at least girl) in the room. Excuse the pun, but it's a huge part of who I am, the funny fat girl, the loud fat girl, the fat girl who occasionally hooked up with the cute guys - though God forbid those boys actually date me.

It'll be weird to be normal... I bet I'll have a harder time with the change than the world around me.

I was right about this too. I have changed quite a bit. I have a certain confidence now that I didn't before. I speak just as much still, but I don't speak quite as loud. And I've hooked up with a lot more cute guys, and most of them have dated me.

xo
Ange