Warning, this will be very stream of consciousness. I'm out of practice.

Wow. It has been years since I blogged. I don't even recognize this fancy new blogger layout.

I was killing time today and decided to log on here and see how some old friends were doing.  I know I dropped off the face of the bandster universe when I left, and I think that was really important at the time.

I remember fearing my identity was too tied to my weight-loss, and I feared never feeling like I could have a different title.

I have many new titles. Manager. Social Media Maven (I blog for the moneys now!) Fiance. Boss.

It's amazing how far my life has come since WLS.  I was banded more than four years ago, on March 4, 2009. I weight 269lbs then. I think. How do I not remember?

I weight 130lbs now. For real. For real. Sometimes when I type it, I still can't believe it. The last 10-15 were the hardest, taking place over the past year or so.

It's crazy to be engaged now, not worrying about fitting in to sample sizes.  Because I am trying to maintain not lose my weight, I don't think about my eating too often. I can eat out in restaurants. Everyone is used to my small portions - my new employees and coworkers just think I'm a skinny girl who eats as such. I freaked them out when I showed them my before pictures.

I do struggle with body dysmorphia lately, which is what takes me back here.  I still play the am I smaller or bigger than her game, but I am always wrong. I know that I go into stores and buy a size 4 skirt or even the miraculous size zero shorts (I swear it's a misprint) but I still don't see myself as skinny. I don't see myself as someone who someone else wouldn't refer to as "the bigger girl."

It's a struggle for me and also for Adam, my fiance.  He is so wonderful and supportive, but he also never knew me big, so I think sometimes has trouble understanding why it's all such a big deal.

I've taken a positive step - I've reached out to a few therapists to start some cognitive behavioural therapy to get myself more in touch with my lucky, happy reality.

xox
ange