Wow... I'm back. For a bit. Maybe.

Warning, this will be very stream of consciousness. I'm out of practice.

Wow. It has been years since I blogged. I don't even recognize this fancy new blogger layout.

I was killing time today and decided to log on here and see how some old friends were doing.  I know I dropped off the face of the bandster universe when I left, and I think that was really important at the time.

I remember fearing my identity was too tied to my weight-loss, and I feared never feeling like I could have a different title.

I have many new titles. Manager. Social Media Maven (I blog for the moneys now!) Fiance. Boss.

It's amazing how far my life has come since WLS.  I was banded more than four years ago, on March 4, 2009. I weight 269lbs then. I think. How do I not remember?

I weight 130lbs now. For real. For real. Sometimes when I type it, I still can't believe it. The last 10-15 were the hardest, taking place over the past year or so.

It's crazy to be engaged now, not worrying about fitting in to sample sizes.  Because I am trying to maintain not lose my weight, I don't think about my eating too often. I can eat out in restaurants. Everyone is used to my small portions - my new employees and coworkers just think I'm a skinny girl who eats as such. I freaked them out when I showed them my before pictures.

I do struggle with body dysmorphia lately, which is what takes me back here.  I still play the am I smaller or bigger than her game, but I am always wrong. I know that I go into stores and buy a size 4 skirt or even the miraculous size zero shorts (I swear it's a misprint) but I still don't see myself as skinny. I don't see myself as someone who someone else wouldn't refer to as "the bigger girl."

It's a struggle for me and also for Adam, my fiance.  He is so wonderful and supportive, but he also never knew me big, so I think sometimes has trouble understanding why it's all such a big deal.

I've taken a positive step - I've reached out to a few therapists to start some cognitive behavioural therapy to get myself more in touch with my lucky, happy reality.

xox
ange

3 comments:

TracyZ said...

It's great to have you back in the blogosphere! It makes sense that you would need to figure out who else you are, other than the girl that lost so much weight. You are an inspiration and I hope you'll keep posting!

Lap Band Gal said...

Good to hear from you!

SuperMegaAnna said...

Wow, so nice to see a blog from you, and amazing job with the weight loss/maintenance.

This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!
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Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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