This isn't the first time this has happened, and those who have been reading my blog for a while will recall other times it has. But for my newer followers, you're about to read about me really struggling. I, like most of you tend to fluctuate a lot. My scale will hand me a new low, and then it'll evade me for a while - up to a month before. It sucks. It sucks for everyone. But... I can't handle it sometimes.
I kind of realized how much harder I take it when talking to our birthday girl Kristen a few days ago. We started chatting like we do most mornings, and when I asked how she was she said great. We then started discussing our weights, and both of us were up a couple pounds. Yet Kristen was still great that day, and I was miserable. I couldn't be great on a day my weight was up - the way my day went was dependent on what the scale told me. I felt like a failure - I had attained that 100lbs down goal and lost it in an instant. I felt out of control, if I can be 6lbs above my lowest weight in a matter of days, who's to say I can't gain back all 100 in a matter of months. I know these thoughts aren't fully rational, but they are completely pervasive. On the days when I'm feeling down about it, I have a lot of trouble focusing on something else, and that's obviously not healthy.
That same day, I talked to Amy about how I was struggling. How I feel a lot of pressure from everyone to keep losing, to keep looking good. I added a new profile picture on Facebook on Monday, and five people "liked" it and more than a dozen comments have come in. On one hand, it's really validating, but on the other - it's intimidating. It took one hundred pounds, but apparently the world has noticed I'm not big anymore. I feel like I'm striving for something new, and it's scary. I am no longer obese, I'm barely overweight. I'm now 'competing' with all the normal-sized girls, and I just feel like I can't keep up.
My weight will keep fluctuating. 173.6 Monday, 174.8 Tuesday, 171.8 yesterday and 173.6 again today. I feel like while I hold on to these emotions so will my body to the weight. I need to find a way to let go - to know my value doesn't change when the number on the scale does. At least it shouldn't - that's the hardest part - for so many people, it does.
I'm trying to do my best - work out tons like always, eat as reasonably as I can, and know that, eventually, the scale will move again.
Mini-Goals and Statistics
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
100 lbs down!!