This isn't the first time this has happened, and those who have been reading my blog for a while will recall other times it has. But for my newer followers, you're about to read about me really struggling. I, like most of you tend to fluctuate a lot. My scale will hand me a new low, and then it'll evade me for a while - up to a month before. It sucks. It sucks for everyone. But... I can't handle it sometimes.

I kind of realized how much harder I take it when talking to our birthday girl Kristen a few days ago. We started chatting like we do most mornings, and when I asked how she was she said great. We then started discussing our weights, and both of us were up a couple pounds. Yet Kristen was still great that day, and I was miserable. I couldn't be great on a day my weight was up - the way my day went was dependent on what the scale told me. I felt like a failure - I had attained that 100lbs down goal and lost it in an instant. I felt out of control, if I can be 6lbs above my lowest weight in a matter of days, who's to say I can't gain back all 100 in a matter of months. I know these thoughts aren't fully rational, but they are completely pervasive. On the days when I'm feeling down about it, I have a lot of trouble focusing on something else, and that's obviously not healthy.

That same day, I talked to Amy about how I was struggling. How I feel a lot of pressure from everyone to keep losing, to keep looking good. I added a new profile picture on Facebook on Monday, and five people "liked" it and more than a dozen comments have come in. On one hand, it's really validating, but on the other - it's intimidating. It took one hundred pounds, but apparently the world has noticed I'm not big anymore. I feel like I'm striving for something new, and it's scary. I am no longer obese, I'm barely overweight. I'm now 'competing' with all the normal-sized girls, and I just feel like I can't keep up.

My weight will keep fluctuating. 173.6 Monday, 174.8 Tuesday, 171.8 yesterday and 173.6 again today. I feel like while I hold on to these emotions so will my body to the weight. I need to find a way to let go - to know my value doesn't change when the number on the scale does. At least it shouldn't - that's the hardest part - for so many people, it does.

I'm trying to do my best - work out tons like always, eat as reasonably as I can, and know that, eventually, the scale will move again.



Gilly said...


This is a process...and it's a road that most of us have gone down with varied amounts of success, but the fact that none of us have ever truly succeeded in keeping the weight off is like the scariest thing EVER! I truly believe...I HAVE to believe...that once we get close to our goals, that we will definitely fluctuate...but that we WILL stay in control. The band will help us stay in control. I know the panic you're feeling right now, but you are going to keep it off...absolutely you ARE!! You just ARE. And you will see 100 again and then 105...and so forth. You should go drink some it too early for wine? Probably, but go have some anyway.

*more hugs*

Genise said...

I haven't been banded yet but I would like to offer a shoulder of understanding. Look at all the hard work you have done so far. Don't dwell on your goals that you yet to achieve..which I'm certain with time you will have no problems getting there.

Good luck!

DawnB said...

I can understand exactly what you're saying & how you feel. You've worked so hard to get to this point & you are scared that all the results of that hard work can change in an instant. Hang in there - you will get in under control. Look how far you've come!

Nicole said...

Angie I totally understand I have the panic too. And AM so happy if I am having a good scale day and so sad if I am not. I wish I could change this. XO

Nicole said...

Angie I totally understand I have the panic too. And AM so happy if I am having a good scale day and so sad if I am not. I wish I could change this. XO

Amy W. said...

I am glad you posted this. Next topic will be the quest for "perfection". I thought of you last night at Zumba. There are some new girls that come and they have that "perfect" body...and like to show it wearing their little tops and VS PINK sweat pants.

And I thought sadly that even if I could lose 50 more pounds AND have surgery...I will never have that body. I wont. My ass. The back of my thighs. The abs. And it made me sad. And it made me want to kick them.

Then I said...uh hulllooo...werent you just lecturing angie about this yesterday? So I pushed it out of my mind and instead tried to find ugly people in the crowd that would make me feel better :)

it helped.

Oh...that and the fact that the hot body girls cant shake their ass like me!

Sherry said...

As a band-newbie I don't know if I can totally relate or give any good advice but what I do want to say is that I empathize and that even though you've pretty much made your goals physically, your brain still needs time to catch up and adjust. Take it easy on yourself -- any maybe don't weigh every day? -- maybe just once a week? Its so much easier to say than to do but I put my scale away a few days ago because I was making myself crazy and like you, a small fluctuation can send me into a depressive state which just isn't helpful. Hang in there. You're still a rockstar to me...

Alexis said...

Sweetie....this is completely a process and everyone is different. Just as we all loose weight at different rates, we all approach it mentally differently as well. Just because you get down about it at times and Kristen is upbeat (but, we love her and you all the same!) it doesn't make one way right and the other wrong.

I think it's great that you are vulnerable with your emotions and that you do share them. I'm always around via facebook or email if you need another person to talk to :)

Gen said...

OMG this is so important - figuring out that you are NOT what you weigh. Whether it is a good number or a bad number - it is not who you are.

You are so much more than fat or thin, so much more than 171 or 173.

I think we all need to make the mental change to accept our REAL selves. It is hard, and a long process.

The first thing to do is be kind to yourself. Go to the gym because you know it is good for your body and it will feel good when you are done. Don't go because you "have to" or because you can't trust yourself otherwise. You CAN trust yourself not to gain the weight back. You are trustworthy. You are a good person and you need to be good to yourself first and foremost.

I am trying to learn these things too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feel better! You deserve to feel good every single day, no matter what the scale says!

xoxox Gen

This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!
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Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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