Being OK with the gray area...

I had a therapy session yesterday, and my therapist and I talked about how in quite a few aspects of my life, especially related to weight loss, I struggle with being OK in the gray area. What does that mean? I kind of have a very all or nothing view. I feel like if I am going to start exercising, it has to be "last-chance workouts" 5 days a week. I struggle to comprehend that my diet doesn't have to be on at every moment I am eating - my band can take care of some of that for me.

I also am really struggling with the feedback I'm getting from people. If someone asks me how much I have lost, I will gladly tell them 30lbs and take any accolades they want to give me. But when someone tells me I look good, or that my legs look thinner or that my neck looks longer or whatever - I hate it. I get over it, I say thanks kind of awkwardly, but it really bothers me. Which is weird, right? It's back to the struggle to be in the gray again - for me, no body (of mine) will deserve complements for oh... another 100 or so pounds? My therapist asked when I thought I'd look good enough to deserve it and I really don't know. My issue with all of this is that it's shitty. It's shitty that I struggle to enjoy the rewards for how far I've come, and it makes me worry if I'll ever feel... Good about it.

Ok so I don't wanna end this on a sorta depressing note so here's my funny story for the day.

Yesterday after my therapy session I was like dying of thirst and drank an entire bottle of water but was still thirsty so I decided to stop somewhere to get a Diet Snapple. I went into Burger Shack, which is the best burgers in Toronto. They're open late, in the middle of the area most of my friends grew up, and really really yummy. Needless to say, I haven't been there since before pre-op. I went in, and immediately the girl was like "woww, you've lost a ton of weight eh?" I was like umm... yeah thanks. There were SO many people around - it was lunch rush so that means high school kids, construction workers, everyone. She was like how are you doing it and I made a joke about mostly not eating there... But she kept going on! It was HILARIOUS.


Amy said...

That's very interesting. I think you are beautiful. Really...I am not just saying that bc I am a blogger buddy. You are pretty. And if people you know are noticing a change in your body parts...well than CELEBRATE! Say thank you. Accept the compliment. I mean you have lost 30 pounds! HELLO! Knock Knock puddin head! There is going to be a difference in your body shape.

I think the all or nothing mentality is something that most of us struggle with. That's why we fail at diets. Its like...well shit...I ate half a side of beef tonight I am just going to binge and binge now. I am a failure. I think that the band is supposed to help us....sort of. For me, the little changes Ive had to make with the band seem to have helped me realize that as long as I am making little changes, and sticking with them...they will all add up eventually.

You will get there.

I believe we all could benefit from therapy. I wish it were free. I work at a mental health facility. You think that instead of covering WLS 100% they would cover therapy 100%...

This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!

Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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