I should preface this whole post by saying I am by no means a model bandster in the traditional follow all the rules sense.  It's 10:27 am as I write this and I just finished my breakfast. A Coke. In a glass bottle, cause I'm classy like that.

Having said that, I do feel pretty strongly that I've figured out weight management for my body which is of course nobody's body but mine.

How I eat throughout the day:

Breakfast is rarely solid food, it's just too hard for me to eat soon after waking up. I'll take a coffee from home or pick up a latte, or a hot chocolate or some form of liquid calories for breakfast. While I was trying to lose these would be purposefully healthy or protein loaded choices, for maintenance I just need some calories to get my body turned on.

My job is really busy, and I forget to eat lunch way more often than I should. This is by no means good, and I'm not going to pretend it's OK. I know better, really, and this is something I will be talking about in therapy.  How crazy is that - that my biggest eating related struggle right now is my body forgets to tell me it's hungry, and I just work away and then am hangry by the end. 

When I do take the time to eat lunch, I either eat out somewhere around work (soup or chili from Tim Horton's, sometimes junky fast food, sometimes fancy Chinese burritos that I can't afford but are the best thing ever.)  Even better though is when I bring lunch in. Lately my routine is to pick up a good sized container of tuna or chicken or salmon salad from a deli near home, a bag of pita chips, and some veggie sticks and just eat that every day for a few in a row. It doesn't bother me, and it's tasty and healthy enough that I can let myself have a Coke.

I really like regular Coke now. I should devote a whole post to that.

Dinner is the time where I eat a lot.  Like I said, by no means model, but happily maintaining.  I'd say my portions are a happy medium between lap-band portions and healthy normal person portions. So that means when I go out to a restaurant, I still never ever finish a whole meal.  But I order a whole meal, I'm OK with spending the money and enjoying fewer bites. When it comes to actual portion sizes, I'm often able to finish just under what a "recommended serving" is, for example we had fancy frozen chicken nuggets last week, the box said that one portion was six pieces, I had five and Adam had 12. Ha.

I used to be the exercise queen, and that has slacked to nearly nothing. I've been working in a "grown-up job" (my first) since September and I feel like I'm finally no longer super exhausted by it - so my goal this summer is to get right back on track.  I'll be using this space to stay accountable.

xox
ange

Warning, this will be very stream of consciousness. I'm out of practice.

Wow. It has been years since I blogged. I don't even recognize this fancy new blogger layout.

I was killing time today and decided to log on here and see how some old friends were doing.  I know I dropped off the face of the bandster universe when I left, and I think that was really important at the time.

I remember fearing my identity was too tied to my weight-loss, and I feared never feeling like I could have a different title.

I have many new titles. Manager. Social Media Maven (I blog for the moneys now!) Fiance. Boss.

It's amazing how far my life has come since WLS.  I was banded more than four years ago, on March 4, 2009. I weight 269lbs then. I think. How do I not remember?

I weight 130lbs now. For real. For real. Sometimes when I type it, I still can't believe it. The last 10-15 were the hardest, taking place over the past year or so.

It's crazy to be engaged now, not worrying about fitting in to sample sizes.  Because I am trying to maintain not lose my weight, I don't think about my eating too often. I can eat out in restaurants. Everyone is used to my small portions - my new employees and coworkers just think I'm a skinny girl who eats as such. I freaked them out when I showed them my before pictures.

I do struggle with body dysmorphia lately, which is what takes me back here.  I still play the am I smaller or bigger than her game, but I am always wrong. I know that I go into stores and buy a size 4 skirt or even the miraculous size zero shorts (I swear it's a misprint) but I still don't see myself as skinny. I don't see myself as someone who someone else wouldn't refer to as "the bigger girl."

It's a struggle for me and also for Adam, my fiance.  He is so wonderful and supportive, but he also never knew me big, so I think sometimes has trouble understanding why it's all such a big deal.

I've taken a positive step - I've reached out to a few therapists to start some cognitive behavioural therapy to get myself more in touch with my lucky, happy reality.

xox
ange