Still up in the air...

I've got good news and possibly bad news... Which do you want first?

Well I'm always a bad news first kinda gal.  Bad news is on my second blood test, I had elevated liver enzyme levels. I really don't quite get what it all could mean - but what it means practically is it looks like my liver is not functioning as well as it should.  When I got the blood taken last time I had been fasting for probably about 24 hours, so my doc wonders if that had something to do with it.  And yes, 24 hours. I'm not really eating, and I know it's not good.  Anyways yesterday I just happened to be here at my parents house when my doc called and spoke to mum - he didn't want to scare me but wanted me to come in for more blood tests that would all focus on liver function.  I was obviously really scared, crying and all that... They both reassured me a bit, but he also did say that if things weren't better on this test he'd be worried my liver wouldn't be able to handle the anesthetic.  I wasn't fasting for this blood test - I had had an egg-white and veggie omelette than am and he thought that was probably good... Oy.  So I'm in major stress zone. MAJOR.   We'll find out more monday morning. 

So you need some good news now, don't ya?  Well I'm down another 5lbs - I'm at 249 now.  I've officially lost 21lbs since the consultation in mid January, 11 since the start of pre-op ...  Which was 11 days ago.  

I really hope everything is OK with me... Mostly I just hope I can have the surgery on Wednesday.. I couldn't do pre-op any longer than this, I don't have it in me, emotionally.


Getting Closer...

Haven't posted in a little as I really don't have much to report. I am 5 days away from surgery and it cannot come soon enough... So sick of pre-op! I'm sure I've lost more weight, I'll weigh myself tomorrow at my parents, that should give me another boost of motivation.

So I've noticed that I have readers from ALL over the world - in Australia from Melbourne to Brisbane, in New Zealand, Canadians from BC to Alberta to PEI, Americans from Texas, California, from Virginia to New York... It's crazy to think that SO many people have visited this blog! I would love to know who's reading, so if you're out there, drop me a quick comment to say hi- especially if you're blogging too!!


Sweet Relief

Just got back from the doctor's office... My primary care physician seems to think there's nothing to worry about... I am clearly not in Kidney Failure as I am alive and well and all that... So he thinks it was either a fluke result or something to continue to investigate, but not to fret over... not something that should delay my surgery or anything.  WOO. Thank goodness, sweet relief.


p.s. thanks for any positive vibes I got, I felt em :)

Potential Bad News... aka scared shitless.

So last week I had my blood work and pre-op doctor's appointment.  No one mentioned anything at the time, but apparently I had high protein levels in my urine.  Then this morning I got a call from the patient coordinator at my clinic saying the nurses wanted me to do my blood-work again because I had high potassium levels... I am by no means an expert but these two things are linked to diabetes, I'm afraid.  So so SO afraid.  I am SO afraid that they're going to tell me that I can't have my surgery or something.  Which I can't handle. I'm not strong enough to go through all of this again.  My mom called my Doctor this morning after the patient coordinator called and he is squeezing me in to see me at 12:45 today... He'll re-run both my tests.  It's in just under two hours, but if anyone is out there think some positive thoughts or pray or do what ya do... Cause I'm realllly scared right now.

A good reason...

To be going through all of this... I'm down another 6.8lbs! Wooo!

Resisted McTemptation

I love McDonalds. I can't help it. It's cheap and tasty and totally my secret guilty pleasure. It is the only thing I really binge on anymore, or used to I should say. On really sad days, in really low points I'd order two meals -pretending I was on my cell phone with someone getting them "their" meal as well. To realize I'll never be doing that again... That's pretty wild.

Tonight as I was driving home from my friend Steph's, I had to drive by a 24-hour McDonalds and went through such an inner-dialogue. I was like I'll just have a cheeseburger... then I was like a hamburger and only have half the bun... then I was like no a quarter pounder is more protein I need protein... (I didn't even get through 1 of my 3 supposed to have shakes today) then I was like a grilled chicken wrap. But the fact is, though I could maybe use some protein, I def dont need to be stepping through those doors of temptation.

I am very proud of myself. Four days down, ten more to go.


Managed to finish a Shake!

I have been really struggling today, I didn't even try to have my first shake till about 2pm just cause I was dreading it so bad, but my lovely roommmate (who I never should have doubted, btw) offered to try making one for me. She makes herself protein shakes all the time so she's good at the ratios she figured. She made one with

1 packet vanilla medi-trim
100mls of brewed instant coffee
200mls of water
4 ice cubs
and a splash of sugar-free caramel syrup from starbucks.

It tasted kind of like a not amazing frapuccino- but I actually finished the thing! I feel SO full now it's unreal... Thank goodness because I was really starting to feel weak.


I am in Medi-Trim Hell...

This shit is VILE. I'm sorry if anyone who isn't banded yet ever reads this but come on... It's completely disgusting. I am supposed to be having three a day. I had one and a quarter yesterday, and I'm like 1/3rd into my first one today, and I'm fading fast. This diet is the fucking pits.

A perfectly awful before shot...

I actually like this picture, even though it's not so flattering of me. It's a good before shot, even though as my roommate Ash (the birthday girl, sitting in the middle of the pic) says "even the skinniest of people look rolly in the akward squat." I am OK with it though, because we had a great dinner - it was my LAST time eating the way that has gotten me to where I am... And it was fun, though we were all so full we felt sleepy!

One Shake Down...

Only 41 more to go.

I didn't... hate it. It looked nice at least, like a really good chocolate milkshake. It tasted a bit like one once I had it really well blended, not completely vile. I gagged a few times, but overall... Doable. I (probably quite stupidly) didn't bring one to work today, as I don't want to try them unblended yet, as I hear they're worse that way. I am thinking of taking a lunch break soon to stop by Starbucks where they apparently sell the sugar-free syrups which make the shakes yummier.

It's about one now and I'm not too hungry, though I am thinking about food... But that's just in my head I'm pretty sure.

Anyways, that's my update.


10lbs down!?!

So I went to the doctor's office today... Had all my tests done, couldn't pee for urinalysis, was just a barrel of laughs... What WAS amazing though is my weight is down to 260.8... 9.2 lbs down from my consultation WITHOUT TRYING. At least not consciously. This gives me a boost cause a) my weight had only recently creeped above 260 and b) it shows that I can lose... Cause sometimes I wonder!

Yay, that's a small victory! Off to my last supper in a bit, feeling boosted and ready to start Medi tomorrow!

Fasting BloodWork, then Medi-Fast...

So I'm officially an idiot.
When I made my doctor's appointment to get my blood work and physical done the day before Medi-Fast, I totally spaced on the fact that I would have to fast for my blood work... And my appointment isn't till 2:45! I could have gone earlier for the blood work but I can't get off of work so I'm just sitting here, starving...

I'm definitely planning on getting a good snack for after my bloodwork, and then tonight we're going to Ruth's Chris steakhouse... Last supper from heaven.

I am SO nervous to start the medi cause I'm afraid it'll be disgusting... But I do just wanna get started!


a good read...

I just woke up after sleeping for like 3.5 hours and am having trouble falling back asleep. Grr. The good news is that Jodi Picoult's next book is being published the day before I get banded. Her books are big and thick and always engrossing, and it's nice to know I'll have a good book to keep me company during my recovery.

OK, gonna try to listen to a guided meditation that will hopefully lull me back to sleep.


Who will I be...

I've been thinking a lot lately of how much of my identity is wrapped up in my weight. I try not to let it define me, and I know I'm lucky that I have the... chutzpah (a yiddish word) to go out and wear my bathing suit on the beach, even when I don't love how my body looks in it.

But I wonder how I'll feel, not being the fattest person (or at least girl) in the room. Excuse the pun, but it's a huge part of who I am, the funny fat girl, the loud fat girl, the fat girl who occasionally hooked up with the cute guys - though God forbid those boys actually date me.

It'll be weird to be normal... I bet I'll have a harder time with the change than the world around me.


Less than a week till Pre-Op!

I am so so stoked! And such a broken record I'm sure. Everything is going alright, I'm really not focusing on dieting right now, haha. I can't help but just wanna not try for now... I figure it also give me better weight loss on my Medi-Fast right? Ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.

A few nights ago I went to Body Blitz with my sister-in-law Tova. It is a spa with a water circuit, and we had a really nice time relaxing and using the facilities. I actually had been planning on telling her about banding - I even said in an e-mail I had something to tell her, but nothing bad. So we get there, we get in the water, and she's like "So you were going to tell me you're gonna move back to Vermont right? That's what you were talking about on facebook?" I was like "Yeahh..." cause that is true, and I had been meaning to tell her that... I just sort of felt like I lost my confidence and like... Momentum to tell her. That's ok, I've got lots of time. I'll tell her when I feel completely safe in doing so.

I told my boss here at work yesterday. Initially I had just thought about telling her I needed time off for surgery, but, as much as she drives me crazy as a boss sometimes, she is a really nice person, and I knew she'd really worry about me if she did not know it was something elective and safe. She was very supportive. I told her I thought I'd need about a week off, and she said take as much time as I need. I won't be getting paid for my time off or anything, and I think part of the reason she's fine with is is she'll save some money while I'm gone... But I'm glad to not be worried about it anymore.

One week till Medi-Fast! I ordered it yesterday. I got six cases of the chocolate and three of the vanilla because it sounds like it is better. Hopefully I don't regret the choice! I have a feeling I'll just be choking them down anyways...

I'm going to my parent's house tonight cause I need to measure myself for my bridesmaids dress for my cousin Jenny's wedding which is going to be on June 21st, 3.5 months post-op. I'm thinking I'm just gonna buy the size dress I would need now, it's always easier to take something in than let it out. Fingers crossed I need to take it in a lot! I figure even if I only lose 1lb a week between pre-op start and the wedding, that's still 4 months, 16lbs... and hopefully it's much more than that!


My Mouth is on FIRE!

So I went to one of my favourite places to pick up lunch today. It is a burrito place called Quesada. They do have a lot of healthy options - you can get a small burrito, or, even better a salad made with burrito ingredients... I'll just have to go light on the cheese and sour cream, I guess!

But today I went for a big bad and SO spicy chicken chipotle burrito, with hot peppers and hot salsa! I love the spice, but I've not even finished yet and had to drink an entire can of Diet Coke and a third of my huge water bottle... Clearly not drinking with a mean of this spice-i-tude would be impossible!!

One-week till the start of my pre-op diet... Trying to avoid the "last supper" mentality and eat normally, but I find myself wanting to have all these things I'm worrying about getting down once I'm banded.


A Short Post... Promise!

So this one won't be long, I promise.

Just wanted to count another day off the countdown! Nine days till Pre-Op medi-fast and 23 till surgery... Omg that is SO soon!

I finally full-on told the roomie today... I prefaced it with "I know I haven't talked about it much with you but I have really thought this through" because I just... Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit but I just have a feeling that if I opened it up for discussion, she might not be as supportive as I need.

I got my pre-op package from the doc's finally today... I really need to get on ordering my medi-fast, hope I'm not too late! Mail in our building really does seem sketchy.

Anyways, I promised a short post and I'm done! I'm exhausted and have therapy before work tomorrow, so I need a good sleep.


omg - addicted to blogging! GOALS

Hi everybody! Clearly I am addicted to blogging. Who knew I had SO MUCH TO SAY!?!

I was thinking about setting some goals here... Number related ones as well as what ppl on the forums call NSV -non-scale victories. Here are some of the ones I have thought of so far... I'm not putting time limits on my weight loss (except for my cousins wedding lol), but here are the different milestones I look forward to

  • 1st mini weight loss - 5% of total - down 13.25lbs which would take me 255.75
  • 2nd mini weight loss goal - get back under 250lbs!
  • 3rd mini weight loss goal - get under 230lbs by June 21st... I won't beat myself up if I don't get there, but that's my cousins wedding and that would be my lowest weight in yeeeeears... It'd be great to look really good for the pictures! That's like 11 lbs a month starting with the pre-op diet... I hope I can get there!
  • After that... it'll be allll about getting into "one-derland" my weight under 200lbs.
Some non numbers related goals
  • to be able to wrap myself up in a normal sized towel
  • to be able to comfortably bring the tray-table down on a plane
  • to be able to go into a store and try things on based on what I like, not just what fits
  • to ski all day with my family without getting tired... I kinda pretend I just don't like it now :(
  • to enjoy workouts
  • I used to love going to the gym, I'd go 3 or 4 days a week and get so so into it. I know I just need to get the routine back in motion
  • to be able to run. I've never been able to do that.
Those are just a few, I have so many... Eek! Cannot wait!!

Such Supportive Friends...

On Friday night, I summoned up the courage to tell my friend Carrie about getting banded, and she was really cool about it. Happy for me, quite a lot of questions - but that's good, because it makes me re-examine my reasons, and all that. She had not really heard of it before, and wanted to know how it was different from Gastric Bypass and why GB was so much better known. I explained to her than GB was never an option for me or a thought in my head - for one, I don't think I'm big enough to qualify, and for two (that sounds funny) it's just WAY too extreme for me.
She's really happy for me though.

I've also told my friend Krista, who is a lovely amazing friend. We went to uni together for two years in Nova Scotia, and then since we both left Wolfville we've spent a lot of time visiting each other, and although we're far away now (she lives in Whistler, BC) we're pretty good at keeping in touch. I was actually really lame and dropped the bomb about it on facebook chat, which wasn't so cool of me, haha. She had never even heard of it, but I gave her a bunch of links to check out, and she was like I don't know what this is but if you think it's right then so do I. She was at work so had to run, but we agreed to talk on the phone soon.

Last night I babysat, and after I got the baby down I called her. We spoke for over an hour (my cell bill is gonna kill me!) She had done a bunch of research and really understood the band - she's a good researcher that one. She had a lot of questions, but just was so supportive and so excited for me... I told her the doctor said he thought I'd probably be at goal around a year to 18 months - 18 months would be losing only 1.3lbs a week, and that seems pretty darn doable, I tend to lose more when I really give a diet an effort, though we all know that's not sustainable for me at least, not without a tool like the band. She was so cute, she was like I'm so excited for a selfish reason and I was like why?! And she said because she's excited for us to be able to share clothes! She's shorter and a bit slighter structure wise than I am, but she is beautifully curvy and I'd love to have a similar body shape to hers. She asked me what my goal weight was... I said right now I'm thinking around 160... I've never really been a healthy weight as an adult, so I can't quite say what will look and feel right... I'll have to re-assess that as I get closer to goal. At 160 my BMI would be 24.7 (if I put in 5'7.5... and I'm fighting for that half inch thanks!) A BMI of 25 or higher is considered "overweight"... I'm fine with being a bit overweight, thank you, better than Obese or Severely Obese. I can't wait to just be overweight!

Anyways, writing a ton as always... 3 weeks 3 days till banding, 10 days till pre-op!!



Now that I have decided that I'm going to be banded, it feels like such a waiting game.  I start my pre-op diet of "Medi-Fast" on the 18th of February... Which is conveniently the day after my roommate and close friend Ash's Birthday.  We're going out the night before for dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse... A place that a banded person would face major challenges at, haha, so it's definitely a suitable last supper.  We will be going out partying the Friday night of that week, which might be a bit difficult... I'm in the process of telling Ashley, so she'll understand if I'm not drinking, but it might be tough to explain to a whole crowd... I'll do my best to stay as strong as I can, and if it means ordering a tonic water and sipping on that pretending there's vodka inside, so be it.

The past few days, my eating has been really out of whack.  I'm bingeing for no good reason at all, like I've had McDonalds two days in a row.  Yuck.  I think there's a part of me that is doing it just to be rebellious... And that knows that come March 4th, these kinds of binges would not be possible.  I hope it's just me getting it out of my system... I am so ready to stop it, I don't know why I don't just get a head start and start being healthier now.  Bah!

One person who is just as excited as me is my mom.  I know she's trying to keep her distance and let me "own" it... But I can tell she's really hoping, as I am, that this will be it.  This will be the turning point in my life, this will be the catalyst for so much change.  I know losing weight won't change who I am.  But the fact is... Other than my weight I think I do, generally speaking, like who I am.  There are some things about me I wish were different... But nothing major other than my size.  So I don't think losing weight is gonna magically make me happy... I am already happy, it'll just make me thinner.

I had been spending a ton of time on my clinic's website and their forum, but have recently also started surfing and posting on LapBandTalk.  I had actually registered on there years ago, but am finally taking this step of getting banded, and have started posting.  There are SO many people on there, and there's a whole board devoted to "bandsters" in every age range.  I am loving reading other people in their 20s talk about the band, how their journey has gone, what goals they have... I don't feel so shallow anymore knowing they all are also excited to get to shop anywhere they want and show up guys who didn't want them in the past because of their weight.  I feel a real sense of community with them.

Anyways, once again I've written a novel.  Getting together with my friend/cousin Carrie tonight for dinner... Haven't told her yet, and don't know if I'm ready to.  Then I just wanna take a night in to chill... Hopefully she wants to stay in with me, though I have a feeling she'll be going out drinking.  I hope that after the surgery my confidence and energy levels go up so that going out to the bar is just more appealing to me.  I don't really care for drinking, but I feel like such an old lady, when all my friends like to go out and I prefer just going for coffee, chatting, or seeing a movie.

Anyways, my hair is wet and it's freezing outside, I should get to blow-drying.

love hearts and diamonds.

A Breakup Letter...

I saw this on one of the LapBand message boards and it really resonated with me... Thought I'd share.

Dear Food,
I'm breaking up with you.

Don't be surprised. I've certainly tried to do it many times before, but I always weakened and went back to you.

I finally woke up and realized this relationship is not good for me. I'm not getting what I need from you. It's hurting me, not allowing me the space to grow in the ways I need to grow. You're holding me back.

I know I'll have separation anxiety, but I've stayed with you too long, way past when I should have. This just isn't working for me. You don't listen to me. You don't give me attention. You don't care about what I'm going through. It's almost like you don't have any feelings for me at all, yet I've stuck close to you, helpless and dependent.

I know you won't let go of me so easily. I know you'll keep calling me, asking me to come back. But please, let me go now.

In the beginning you were always there, ready to calm me and soothe me, but it went too far. I came to rely on you. I looked to you for everything. In all fairness, it was too much to ask of you. No way could you fulfill all my needs. For so long I've settled, afraid to go out there and find something better for myself. I need to do that.

I now withdraw my heart from you so I can be free to put it elsewhere, some place where I can be loved back. I've tried to break up with you before. This time it's real. I want to be on the cutting edge of my own life, and I can't do it while I'm still tied to you. Thinking about being free scares me, but I want it. I must have it. I know I'm brave enough at last.

I know I'll long for you. I know I'll think of you a lot, especially during those hard times. I know I'll be tempted to come back to you. But this time I've got a plan, things I'm prepared to do when I get lonely and sad. I've been thinking of other ways to celebrate when I'm happy or proud. I have remedies in place for being bored or tired.

At this point you're a troublemaker in my life and I intend to keep my emotional distance from you. So in a way, this is goodbye. Of course, I'll still come into contact with you day to day, but let's just be friends, not lovers.

Don't cry (although you never do, it's me who does all the crying).

Getting Started...

Hi everyone.

I've decided to start this banding blog because... Well for a lot of reasons. One of the biggest ones is I think journaling can be really therapeutic - sometimes you don't even know you're experiencing something till you've got it down on paper-errr screen. I also think that there can be a sense of accountability, not that I know if anyone will actually read this. Also, because I hope that one day... One day when I've gotten myself to a happy healthy weight, this blog can be the inspiration that helps someone on their journey in deciding to get banded. My friend Bridget's blog was such a catalyst for me - not to mention an amazing read... I only hope I can do as well as she has with being banded, and as a blogger.

I am so so excited to get banded. I'm nervous and all that, but mostly excited. I am so excited to begin a weight loss journey that I know will last - I am so excited to have such a strong tool as the lapband on my side. I know it is not a magical solution, but it is a tool that has helped so many people like me in the past. My surgery is scheduled for a little less than a month from now... Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 is going to be a very important date for me! I begin my pre-op fast/diet on Feb 18th which I'm not quite as excited about, haha, but I know it's important to shrink my liver and make my surgery super safe - and that's a good enough reason. I really hope I can resist cheating!

Anyways, I've already written a ton, but I just wanted to touch on the title of the blog. It was inspired by John Mayer's song In Repair. At the end of the song, the line "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there..." is repeated over and over. I really really feel that line. Although I am not in the best place these days, I am on my way, I am conscious of what I am up against and I am facing them down. I'm really... proud of myself. Woah. That's big for me!

Anyways, its late and I've prob bored anyone who's even reading this to death!

Love, hearts and diamonds,


This is me now... at 160!

This is me now... at 160!
with my bestest friend!

Mini-Goals and Statistics

A Quick Reference - 111lbs down
Height: 5'8
Highest Weight; January 2009: 270
Surgery Weigh; March 4th: 255
Tummy Tuck December 15, 2010!
Current Weight: 150s
Current BMI: healthy!

Mini Goal 1: 240 - re-reached April 29th - 15lbs/9 weeks.
Mini Goal 2: 230 - reached June 12th. - 10lbs/6 weeks.
Mini Goal 3: 220 - reached July 18th. - 10lbs/5 weeks.
Mini Goal 4: 210 - reached September 2nd. 10lbs/7 weeks.
Mini Goal 5: 199 - reached October 19, 10lbs/11 weeks
Mini Goal 6: 189 - reached December 18, 10lbs/9 weeks
Mini Goal 7: 179 - reached February 23, 10lbs/9.5weeks
Mini Goal 8: 169 - reached March 26, 10lbs/4.5weeks
100 lbs down!!

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